Preserving the Family

Imelda Diouf is a South African educator and Katarzyna Lewucha is a Polish social worker. This is the eighth in a twelve-part series in which they will unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.

“Dear Christian families, proclaim joyfully to the whole world the wonderful treasure that you possess” (St John Paul ll).

Family life is central to the Christian social order. Families are also fundamental to all other religious beliefs. The rituals of birth, marriage and death, alongside coming of age, are associated with reflection, memory, prayer and thanks.

Since the novel coronavirus, there is again increased discussion about family preservation. Probably for good reason because, during the months and years of being physically apart or being forced together, there is a renewed understanding of family dynamics, as well as the role of the family as the basic unit of society.

During the pandemic period, family members gravitated towards each other, seeking solace even as physical and mental health deteriorated. But also during this period of enforced intimacy, family violence increased as service provision decreased. There are ongoing problems that affect families: in the constant rush and lack of time, finding the ability to sit and talk for uninterrupted hours, quiet time with no electronic devices, eating together and praying together.

It was during the 1950s, after the World War II years with the devastation of communities and the destruction of infrastructure, including homes, schools, clinics and places of worship throughout Europe, that family life was re-examined. Millions of men had not returned from the war. Women had entered the world of paid work en masse. Family life had been disrupted. As a result, policies and projects, services and strategies emerged with a focus on preserving the family.

But what does this mean? “Preserve a family.” Preserve — keeping something in its original form. Why? Preserve what? Is this even possible?

Family preservation started as a movement to keep children at home with their families rather than in foster homes or institutions. This movement was a reaction to the earlier policy of family breakup, which pulled children out of unfit homes.

Of course, unfit might very well have been a response to something out of the norm. Single, unemployed or teenage parents would have been considered unfit. Even household poverty was seen as a justified reason to remove children from their homes. This state of affairs led to destroying rather than building and uniting families.

“Households and families are linked!” “Households and families are not linked!” Despite the household versus family debates, the two are inextricably linked. Nearly all of humanity is born into a family. Kin, is relations that are formed directly through flesh and blood and by law through marriage and adoption. Kin generally have a place that is called home. These familial relationships cut across cultures and religious beliefs. Culture and religious belief in turn informs understanding of the family.

Family life is central to Catholic social teaching. Pope Francis has weighed in on preserving the family: “The good of the family consists in sharing relationships of faithful love, trust, cooperation, reciprocity — which brings about their happiness.”

Pope John Paul ll shared that love is the only base for human relationships. Human relationship that respects the dignity of one another and in one another the dignity of the children of God, created in His image. He advised: “Share your love and burdens with each other. Respect the dignity of your spouse, parents, and your children.”

Respect and acceptance; parents and children build relations throughout the family cycle. Thus, family preservation should be viewed for its positive outcomes. These include the creation of loving and safe spaces where family members can experience a nurturing environment that produces competent members of the community.

Communicate with active listening, not the fast exchange of information on the way to a bedroom, an office or some other individual space. The family home should not be a hotel where there is communication, but no emotional connections and intimate relationships. The home should be a supportive space where members are able to express and receive love, warmth and care. Standing for each other, serving and compromising. Respect and accept.

The family is a small community. It is the living memories of those who are no longer among us, those who taught us things and induced the strength to face life. The family embeds a sense of belonging and shares the common good. Families are like trees, they can stand strong for many years because of their roots. Roots that have life stories that will feed future generations. It is we, not me.

Proverbs 11:29 invites thought on this matter:  Whoever troubles his (or her) own household will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart. Indeed the broader problems of communities and society can often be traced back to family circumstances and household conditions.

The problems within families are felt at the community level. Likewise the problems at the community level challenge families. We cannot keep repeating that family is a fundamental unit of society and still not make enough effort to protect that unit in the place and ideological space where that unit exists.

Family preservation can be the continuance of harmful traditions and practices. It can also be the continuance of tradition and practice that builds and unites.

The family is a relational good.