Treat Hurtful People for How They Should Be

The German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said: If you treat people as they are, they will remain how they are. But if you treat them as if they were what they ought to be and could be, they will become what they ought to be and could be.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Being Hurt By Another

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticised your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair.

These wounds can leave us with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance. Our human and immediate reaction is to treat these people in the same hurtful way as they have treated us. We reason that it’s is what they did and therefore that is how they deserve to be treated.

Goethe challenges us to treat people, even our enemies, not as they are, but how they ought to be and could be  that is, in the special way God created them.

How can we even start to do what really goes against all our natural impulses to take revenge?

Fr Henri Nouwen

Letting Our Enemies Into Our Hearts

Fr Henri Nouwen wrote that we should pray for our enemies; this is the first step towards treating people as if they are what they ought to be, because they are created in the image and likeness of God. Praying for them, presenting them to their creator, is treating them with that understanding of who they really are.

Fr Nouwen said: This is certainly not easy. It requires discipline to allow those who hate us or those toward whom we have hostile feelings to come into the intimate centre of our hearts.

People who make our lives difficult and cause us frustration, pain, or even harm are least likely to receive a place in our hearts. Yet every time we overcome this impatience with our opponents and are willing to listen to the cry of those who persecute us, we will recognise them as brothers and sisters too.

It is impossible to lift our enemies up in the presence of God and at the same time continue to hate them. Prayer converts the enemy into a friend and is thus the beginning of a new relationship.

Praying for Our Enemies?

Spiritual writers such as Fr Nouwen make difficult things sound easy to do. But in reality we make one poor attempt at praying for our enemies and then give up because we cannot feel anything that is, immediately.  But with each attempt at prayer – real prayers for our enemies – we will notice that our heart is changing towards that person.

There are so many benefits for us, our families and our communities in treating people as if they were what they ought to be and could be.

Just think how healthy all our relationships would be if we did this. We would never have to write people off. We would have families and communities where there are greater spiritual and psychological well-being. Less anxiety, stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression and A lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse.

The Real Results of Treating Others Better Than They Are

Yes, this is not just about warm and fuzzy satisfaction that we have prayed for people, but these are the real tangible signs of the results of treating people as if they were what they ought to be and could be.

In the workplace, for example, if managers listened to staff  this is how staff ought to be treated  they can change the way that they feel about what they do, and by changing the way they feel about what they do they could change the way they perform. Treat people as if they are valuable and that is what they will become.

A child who gets treated as a naughty child will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but a child who grows up receiving all the love, attention, stimulation and support it deserves, will grow and develop into who it was created to be.