How to be a Perfect Stranger

by Gunther Simmermacher · August 5, 2003

HOW TO BE A PERFECT STRANGER: The essential religious etiquette handbook (3rd edition). Edited by Stuart M Matlins & Arthur J Magida. Published by Skylight Paths: Woodstock, Vermont, 2003. 432pp.

Reviewed by Gunther Simmermacher

Picture it: a colleague invited you to the traditional Hindu wedding of his daughter. Arriving in your finest evening wear, you asked the bridal couple how long they had been courting. On account of your sensitive stomach, you declined all offers of the spicy food. Two weeks later, your colleague is still not speaking to you.

Evidently you did not know that the dress code at Hindu weddings is casual, that traditional marriages are usually arranged, and that in Hindu culture it is considered rude to decline food at such occasions.

Catholics themselves will have observed the awkwardness of non-Catholics attending Mass on special occasions, such as baptisms, wedding and funerals. Often one can almost hear visitors wondering whether they might be reprimanded for failing to kneel or for making the sign of the cross incorrectly.

The delightfully titled How To Be A Perfect Stranger offers a way out of these discomforting moments. The book is a handy reference guide to the etiquettes governing special occasions in all significant religions, each of which has its own section. The book takes the reader through the nature and history of each religion’s beliefs, the procedures that are followed in the weekly services and in special ceremonies (such as marriage and funerals). It even provides the appropriate congratulatory greeting in the relevant religion’s tongue.

Unsure of what to wear to a Bar Mitzvah, where to sit in a Methodist church, whether to participate in a Muslim service, how to address a Buddhist monk, or even whether taking photos is permissible? This handbook has the answers, and finding them is effortless.

Even if you don’t regularly get invited to Mormon initiation services, How To Be Perfect Stranger is a beneficial reference tool for those who take an interest in other denominations and religions. For some professionals who deal with people from diverse religious backgrounds, such as teachers or nurses, this book may be an indispensable resource. For many others, it provides entertaining and sometimes fascinating facts in digestible chunks; it is the sort of book one can dip in occasionally to pass ten idle minutes.

In the South African context, the book’s American origin is one obvious weakness. It naturally includes religions that are not represented in South Africa (such as Native Indian religions or the Amish community), and excludes the African traditional churches. Occasionally there are cultural nuances that may not apply here (such as the dress code in Catholic churches one sees very few men in jacket and tie at Mass in South Africa).

Nevertheless, Perfect Stranger includes all mainline religions, giving each equal and impartial treatment. Usefully, it provides further reading references.

Oh, and if your Hindu colleague should die, please do not wear black to his funeral.

Order from www.skylightpaths.com.