Click OK for forgiveness

A quite remarkable and thoroughly frightening article in the Miami Herald recently told of rapid growth in the United States of “confession” sites on the internet.

According to the report, more and more people are using websites such as ivescrewedup.com and blessmefatherforihavesinned.net (I’m not making this up) to assuage their consciences.

The frightening part is that for every person who confesses, 50 others simply visit the websites to see who has confessed what. Hardly surprising given that the top ten “sinner’s hit parade”, as the Miami Herald so indelicately put it, includes lust, use of pornography and a litany of sexual transgressions, followed by theft, lying and alcohol abuse.

It is the worst possible kind of voyeurism and has taken the reality show culture to new heights of absurdity.

Needless to say the Catholic Church has condemned these so-called on-line confessions.

And thankfully, it really couldn’t happen to any large degree here in South Africa, because Internet usage is still relatively low and very expensive by world standards.

But, the one thing every South African seems to have—regardless of economic muscle—is a cellphone. And when you think about it, perhaps this might be the answer for those who are far from a church or incapacitated by illness or lack of transport. Perhaps cellphones could be put to good use to help these people make their confessions.

Having thought about it, however, and given the vagaries of cellular telephone services in this country, with dropped calls and other technical glitches, this form of confession could well lead to more sins being committed, and not the other way round (which is one of the major objectives of the sacrament of reconciliation in the first place).

Just imagine kneeling down next to your bed and dialling away in anticipation of making your confession without having to schlep to church or joining a queue (are there still queues for confession?).

There’s the first problem, because where I live there is no cellphone signal next to my bed. So I would probably have to go upstairs to my study, stand up with one finger in my ear and my leg on my desk in order to get some sort of useable signal. Such a stance is hardly conducive to sanctity in any shape, form or stretch of the imagination. However, let’s assume you actually manage to get through.

“Hello, you have reached Dial-a-Sin. Your call is important to us, please be patient, you are number 127 in the queue.” Handel’s Largo plays ominously in the background and does nothing for your patience to the point of adding another sin to be confessed before you even start. But, at last you are through.

“Hello you have reached Dial-a-Sin. If you would like your confession to be heard by a Dominican priest, press 1; if you’d like a Franciscan, press 2; if you’d like a Jesuit, think about this option very, very carefully and then press 3.

“Thank you for choosing our friendly Franciscan confessor. For mortal sins, press 1; for venial sins, press 2.

“Thank you for choosing venial. To fast track your confession, if your venial sin involves losing your temper, telling smallish fibs and the odd white lie, push 1 for blanket absolution. If your venial sins are a little more serious than the above or you feel they might well stray into the realms of mortal sin, please push 2 and answer some simple multiple choice questions.

“Thank you for choosing the fast track option. For a recorded homily on the evils of sin, push 1; for instant absolution push 2.

“Thank you for choosing instant absolution. If you require your penance sent to you via an SMS (rates are charged at R3,90 per message), press 1; if you prefer your penance read out to you by your Friendly Franciscan, press 2.

“Thank you for choosing the penance option from your Friendly Franciscan. Remember you are only absolved once you have completed your penance. Terms and conditions apply.

“Your penance is…..please be patient as our computer downloads your personal option…zzz.click.brzz…click…your penance is…zzzrp, bzzzz, click, pfrrrrttttt…blppppp…network busy…missed call…”

“Hello you have reached Dial-a-Sin, you are number 348 in the queue…”

At which time you may well smash your cellphone to pieces while swearing very loudly and perhaps contemplating heading hell for leather into mortal sin territory.