Would you like to confess your sins on the Internet?

A quite remarkable and thoroughly frightening article in the Miami Herald a while back told of rapid growth in the United States of “confession” websites on the Internet. More and more people are apparently using websites such as ivescrewedup.com (tagline: “Confession is good for the soul”) to publicly assuage their consciences.

Sadly, for every person who confesses, 50 others simply visit the websites to see who has confessed what. Hardly surprising, given that the top ten “sinner’s hit parade” as the Miami Herald indelicately puts it, includes lust, use of pornography, and a litany of sexual transgressions, followed by theft, lying and alcohol abuse.

It is the worst possible kind of voyeurism and has taken “reality shows” to completely new heights of absurdity.

Needless to say the Catholic Church has condemned these so-called on-line confessions. And thankfully, it really couldn’t happen to any large degree here in South Africa because Internet usage is still relatively low and very expensive by world standards. But the one thing every South African seems to have, even those who are poverty stricken, is a cellular telephone. And when you think about it, this might be the answer for those who are far from a church or incapacitated by illness or lack of transport—or too wary of entering a real confessional. Perhaps cellphones could help these people make their confession.

After all, there’s little chance of anyone listening in, and unless the video function is enabled, you won’t be able to see the priest and he won’t be able to see you. But having thought about it, and given the vagaries of cellular telephone services—dropped calls and other technical glitches—I think this form of confession could well lead to increased sinning, not the other way round: one of the major objectives of confession in the first place.

Just imagine kneeling down next to your bed and dialling away in anticipation of making your confession without having to schlep to church or get in a queue. For me, there would be the first problem; where I live there is no cellphone signal next to my bed, so I’d probably have to go upstairs to my study, as I usually do, then stand up with one finger in my ear and my leg on the desk in order to get some sort of useable signal stance (hardly conducive to sanctity in any shape, form or stretch of the imagination).
But let’s assume you manage to get through:

“Hello, you have reached Dial-a-Sin. Your call is important to us, please be patient, you are number 127 in the queue.” Handel’s “Largo” plays ominously in the background and does nothing for your patience, which becomes stretched to the point of adding another sin to be confessed before you even start.

But at last you are through: “Hello, you have reached Dial-a-Sin. If you would like your confession to be heard by a Dominican priest, press 1; if you’d like a Franciscan, press 2; if you’d like a Jesuit, think about this option very, very carefully, then press 3.

“Thank you for choosing our friendly Franciscan. For mortal sins press 1; for venial press 2.

“Thank you for choosing venial. To fast-track your confession, if your venial sin involves losing your temper, telling smallish fibs and the odd white lie, push 1 for blanket absolution. If your venial sins are a little more serious than the above, or you feel they might well stray into the realms of mortal, please push 2 and answer some simple multiple-choice questions.

“Thank you for choosing the fast-track option. For a recorded homily on the evils of sin, push 1; for instant absolution push 2.

“Thank you for choosing instant absolution. If you require your penance sent to you via an SMS, press 1; if you want your penance read out to you right now by your friendly Franciscan, press 2.

“Thank you for choosing the penance option from your Friendly Franciscan. Remember you are absolved only once you have completed your penance.
Terms and conditions apply.

“Your penance is…please be patient as our computer downloads your personal option…zzz.click.brzz…click…your penance is…zzzrp, bzzzz, click, pfrrrrttttt…blppppp…network busy…missed call…”

“Hello, you have reached Dial-a-Sin. You are number 348 in the queue………”

At which time, if you are a normal human being and once again frustrated by having a cellphone call dropped at just the wrong moment, you will probably throw your cellphone to the ground as you swear loudly and possibly contemplate heading hell-for-leather into mortal sin territory.