Hark, Harold and other angels

A frequently used English phrase is: “Out of the mouths of babes”, which of course comes from two separate biblical sources; the first from Psalm 8:2, the second from Mathew 21:16.

Interestingly, in both the singular is used: “Out of the mouth of babes.” Like many, I’ve been getting it wrong for decades. Today I want not to dwell on the niceties of grammar, but rather to present some quite spectacularly cute examples of what can come out of the mouth of babes if you give them half a chance.

A group of youngsters were being asked by their catechism teacher to explain angels. Some of their replies:

“I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.”–Gregory, 5

“Everybody’s got it wrong. Angels don’t wear haloes anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.”–Olive, 9

“It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven. And then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.”–Matthew, 9

“Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go and do something else.”–Mitchell, 7

“My guardian angel helps me with my maths, but he’s not much good for science.”–Henry

“Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.”–Jack, 6

“Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.”–Daniel, 9

“When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.”–Reagan, 10

“Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.”–Sara, 6

“Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter.”–Jared, 8

“All angels are girls because they have to wear dresses, and boys didn’t go for it.”–Antonio, 9

“My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big headstart on helping me while she was still down here on earth. “–Sarah, 9

“Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.”–Vicki, 8

“What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.”–Sarah, 7

Then the same children were let loose on other religious profundities. One wrote: “In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas.”

Others weighed in with:

“The Bible says ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I’m sure he is older than that.”

“God said: ‘Give me a light’, and someone did.”

The Garden of Eden clearly lacked new technology: “Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam & Eve were naked, but they didn’t mind because mirrors weren’t invented then.”

“Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one rotten apple, so they were driven out of the Garden. Not sure what they were driven out in, because they didn’t have cars.”

And take note of this punster: “Adam and Eve had a son called Cain. He hated his brother as long as he was able.”

And here are some biblical biographies gone wrong:

“All the early people died young – except Methuselah, who lived to be a million or something.”

“Another important guy was Noah, who was a good guy but one of his kids was a kind of a ham.”

“After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau. Esau was famous because he sold his brother for a birthmark and some pot-roast.”

“Another important man is Moses whose real name is Charlton Heston.”

“Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from evil Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh. These included, rats, mice, bowels, frogs and lice. Then he gave them his top ten Commandments, which included humour your mother and father and don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance or convert your neighbour’s stuff.”

And finally, a lesson in partisan politics: “The Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius, the pilot who didn’t stick up for Jesus, so he washed his hands. Jesus died for our sins then came to life again. He went to Heaven but will be back again at the end of the aluminium. His return is foretold in the Book of the Revolution.”