English us a ridiculous language

Sitting in front of my computer trying to think of something light and entertaining to write in the spirit of Easter joy, it occurred to me that those of us who were brought up speaking English, should count ourselves exceedingly lucky.

This is because somehow, though English is not the world’s most spoken language — twice as many people speak Chinese and more people speak Spanish than English — it has somehow become the language of trade, aviation, global politics and the world economy.

The reason I feel that English speakers are lucky is because for those people who have to learn to speak it later in life, it more often than not makes little sense at first, and must be indescribably difficult to master. Particularly as many countries claiming to speak English do it very differently, to the point where even English-speaking people can’t understand what other English-speaking people are saying. One need only travel from South Africa to the backwoods of the United States, Britain, Ireland or Australia to discover this. And, unquestionably, vice-versa.

To prove this point, I recently received a fascinating e-mail from a friend who asked why there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor french fries in France, sweetmeats are sweets, and sweetbreads, which are not sweet, are meat.

If we explore paradoxes of the English language, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese, so one moose, two meese?

Doesn’t it seem odd that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off and then goes on and on and on…

English, said my friend, was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Then there are those words that mean two entirely different things. The bandage was wound around the wound, the farm was used to produce produce, the dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

Then, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word in the English language and that is “up”.

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are politicians UP for election and why is it UP to a secretary to write UP a report? People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. We open UP a shop in the morning but we close it UP at night. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP. When it threatens to rain, we say it the weather is closing UP.

Next week I’ll get down to thinking UP something more down to earth and UP your street. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, my time is UP anyway, so I’ll shut UP!