Growing up with kids

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to his own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created two children of his own, Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.”

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve — we’ve got forbidden fruit!” said Adam. “You’re joking,” said Eve. “Do NOT eat the fruit,” said God.

“Why?” Adam and Eve asked somewhat petulantly. “Because I am your Father and I said so,” God replied, wondering why he hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children eating an apple and he was annoyed. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked. “Er…um…yes,” Adam replied. “Then why did you ?” “I don’t know,” said Eve.  “She started it,” said Adam.  “I did not,” said Eve’’ — and so sibling rivalry was created.

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set that has never changed.

So, if you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. After all, if God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Here are some interesting facts about children:

• You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

• Mothers of teenagers understand why some animals eat their young.

• Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

• The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

• No matter how much you childproof your homes, they still manage to get in.

• But, be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

There is some justice in the world, however, because when children grow up, they have to deal with aging parents. Take this story told by a naïve grandmother:

“The other day I went to a local Christian bookshop and saw a ‘Hoot If You Love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I am really glad I did because a wonderful, uplifting experience followed.

“I stopped at a red traffic light at a busy intersection, just thinking about how wonderful the Lord is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It’s a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t hooted, I never would have noticed the traffic light had changed to green.

“I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. While I was sitting there, the fellow behind me started hooting like crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed: ‘For the love of GOD! GO! GO!’

“What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Then everyone started hooting. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those lovely people. I even hooted myself a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Durban back there because I heard him shouting about a ‘sunny beach’.

“I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with two fingers stuck up in the air. I asked my son in the passenger seat next to me what that meant. He said that it was probably a Ugandan good luck sign or something.

“Well, I’ve never met anyone from Uganda, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing. Even he was enjoying this religious experience.

“A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed to red again and I felt sad that I had to leave them behind after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Ugandan good luck sign one last time as I drove away.”