The dogs-in-heaven debate

Over the centuries, much has been written about the meaning of life. It seems to me, that if one has enough faith in the Almighty, it is not a particularly difficult question to answer.
Still, I couldn’t help but be amused at this version sent to me by a fellow Christian. It certainly provided a few answers that had completely escaped me up until now.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 25-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for 25 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. Please can’t I give ten years back to you like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

The cow said: “That’s a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

But man said: “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “you asked for it.”

So, that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

And speaking of animals, dogs in particular, I was sent this putative inter-denominational debate by a fellow parishioner and man of considerable wit and wisdom, Peter Fewell.

It is a church signs debate that took place between the Catholic parish of Our Lady of Martyrs and the Cumberland Fundamentalist Presbyterian church. Both churches have ornate signboards facing the street on which they advertised service times and other info, as well as a weekly message.

One day, the Catholic church puts up a sign reading: “All dogs go to heaven.”

The Presbyterians, clearly taken aback and not amused, respond with a message of their own: “Only humans go to heaven — read the Bible!”

The following week the Catholics reply with: “God loves all his creations, including dogs.”

To which the Presbyterians respond: “Dogs don’t have souls — this is not open for debate.”

The following week the Catholic signboard reads: “Catholic dogs go to heaven; Presbyterian dogs can talk to their pastor.”

To which the Presbyterians respond: “Converting to Catholicism does not automatically grant your dog a soul.”

The Catholics retort with an advertisement on their signboard reading: “Free dog souls with every conversion.”

The Presbyterians, now becoming weary and perhaps a little wary of the way the debate is going, decide to try to end it with the message: “Dogs are animals. There aren’t any rocks in heaven either.”

The Catholics have the last word: “All rocks go to heaven…”

Sadly the debate didn’t really happen; the photos that go with the e-mail were created by a clever Internet site called Church Sign Maker (www.says-it.com/churchsigns/). The exchange was written by Earl Hamner, creator of the ’70s TV series The Waltons.

Now, while this story might appear a little silly and possible somewhat irreverent to some, I think that sometimes we take religion a little too seriously. After all, I am convinced that God did not endow us all with a sense of humour and the capacity to laugh for no reason whatsoever.

Laughter is not only the world’s best medicine, as the Readers Digest has told us for decades; it is also an extremely powerful communications tool.