Let’s play buzzword bingo

As is usual round about this time, a fortnight into the new year, I force myself to stop wondering why all my carefully considered resolutions have come to nought so quickly, and try to look ahead at things I should avoid in the coming year. And top of the list, for the 42nd year running, is the ubiquitous business meeting.

Quite unsurprisingly, the Collins Dictionary of Business Quotations offers not a single bon mot on the subject of meetings. I can only assume that this is so because in business circles tradition has it that meetings are sacrosanct and inviolate.  Frankly, I hate them. And with very few exceptions, I reckon, meetings are mainly for people who are incapable of taking decisions on their own.

Marketing meetings are the worst because there are always a few over-enthusiastic cretins who insist on complicating everything on the agenda, turning what should be ten minutes of commercial intercourse into a four-hour big ideas wing ding.

But now, thanks to my golf partner and Jesuit-educated collector of marketing trivia, Mike Wheeler, I have something to take me way beyond the challenging technical intricacies of disassembling ball point pens to brighten up boring meetings.

It is a game, according to Mike, called Corporate Bingo. What you do is draw a square on the back of a piece of paper of which there is usually a surfeit at places where two or more business people come together.

Divide the square into five blocks across and five down. Into these 25 squares write down words and phrases such as Synergy, Strategic Fit, Core Competencies, Best Practice, Bottom Line, Revisit, Paradigm, 24/7, Out of the Loop, Benchmark, Value Added, Pro-Active, Win-win, Think Outside the Box, Fast-Track, Results-Driven, Empower, Knowledge Base, At the End of the Day, Touch Base, Mind-Set, Spin, Ball-Park, Game Plan, and Leverage.

To play the game simply check off each block as you hear any of these words and when you have five blocks filled either horizontally, diagonally or vertically, stand up and shout: “Rubbish!”

For maximum enjoyment and smug satisfaction, this game should ideally be played in meetings that start soon after lunch or in those that drag on beyond office hours and encroach on your drinkie-poos time.

It is important to remember, however, that if the fifth word to complete your line comes from the chairman it is advisable not to leap up with crass discourtesy and shout “Rubbish!” but to raise your hand to request the floor, straighten your tie, button your jacket, raise yourself to your full height and shout: “Rubbish Sir!”

Has South Africa gone completely meeting-mad? Every Tom, Dick and Thabo seems to be perpetually in meetings these days. So much so that one can’t help worrying about just who is actually making the world go round.

And interestingly enough, by far the majority of people who claim to be in meetings actually are in meetings. Real meetings. Not like the old days — just goofing off on the golf course or spending an afternoon at the races. I know this because I confronted the PA of a captain of industry some time ago with the accusation that he was not really in a meeting but sitting with his feet up at the 19th hole and bragging about his two birdies and a hallelujah putt on the 10th.

“I know for a fact that he’s not on the golf course,” she said, “because if he did have a game planned he would most certainly have had to have a meeting to decide with whom he was going to play, where they were going to play, what the stakes were going to be. And there was nothing of the sort in his diary…”

Now, I’m not saying all meetings are the result of decision making cop-outs, but I am getting the feeling that most very likely probably are. Probably because when times are tough, most managers prefer to be part of a collective mistake than be held solely responsible.

Imagine what would have happened if some of the world’s great business leaders spent their time in meetings?

“Hello, please may I speak to Mr Gates. I’d like to interest him in a career in computer software.”
“Sorry, he’s in a meeting.”

“Hello, is Mr Branson there?”
“What’s it in connection with?”
“Virgin.”
“Sis! You dirty old man…he’s in a meeting anyway.”

“Hello, can I speak to Raymond Ackerman please, I’ve got this great idea about starting a supermarket chain. I’ve even got a name: it’s Pick ‘n…”
“Sorry, he’s in a meeting.”

So I have come to the conclusion that business meetings are not so much meetings of the mind, but more often than not just a forum for bleatings of some kind.