A funny new dictionary

Every year, The Washington Post publishes the results of what it calls it’s “Mensa Invitational”, in which readers are challenged to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and coming up with a new definition.  The winners were:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t catch on to it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A morally degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And then, there are those that did not require any single letter changes. Such as:

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle: Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

And staying on a humorous note, I recently received a wonderful e-mail from a friend that tickled me pink even though it is based on women’s superiority over the men.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House”, for instance, is feminine: “la casa”. “Pencil”, however, is masculine: “el lapiz”.

A student asked: “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computador), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.