Women must break the polygamy cycle

By Colleen Constable

Polygamy is currently dominating media reports and discussions. The form of polygamy most common in South Africa is polygyny (one man and multiple wives).

A panellist interviewed on SAfm on January 29, 2010, argued that polygyny is an ancient, regulated African practice. Responsible men offer marriage proposals to single women. The husband or the first wife initiates it for teamwork and progress of family life. The first wife plans the husband’s visiting schedule to other wives. All this, the panellist stated, creates a family and decreases the number of illegitimate children. A male listener quoted Isaiah 4:1 and argued that prominent South African men are merely fulfilling prophesy.

Some people may differ with their perspective. Polygyny is used to increase population. It includes risky behaviour. There are medical and psychological implications for participants and their children.

Polygyny became a trend in the biblical era. Genesis 6:1-3 states that the “sons of heaven” also embarked on this exercise. The first indication of a human who took two wives was Lamech, a descendant of Adam, born to Methusael (Gen 4:18-19.) In Gen 16:1-4 it was a woman, Sarah, who influenced her husband to take on a mistress and decided who it should be, while her husband preferred a monogamous marriage.

Today polygamy is accepted within the context of civil law in 48 countries and as customary law in 13 countries including South Africa.

In democratic South Africa some single women freely choose polygamous unions. Educated women have joined the multiple wife system. Even Christian women have opted for polygamous unions. They reject the Christian concept of monogamy: marriage as a sacrament and sacred union between one man and one woman, with Jesus Christ as the third party. Family is based on that union.

First, why do women support monogyny? Why would a first wife agree to a polygamous union, starting a process of multiple wives, a multiple family managed as a single unit? Could it be her insecurity towards a monogamous relationship? Fear that her husband has a mistress and illegitimate children from an adulterous affair? This is a reality of the South African marital life. Scripture teaches us: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love,” (1 Jn 4:18).

Second, to avoid humiliation and public embarrassment, first wives may choose to protect themselves by supporting a polygamous union as a form of security against infidelity. A polygamous union is viewed as an opportunity to obtain peace of mind and reassurance that the marriage is safe. Such women accepted their husband’s extra-marital affairs as part of the marriage package and opt to regulate the unbecoming behaviour through a system of polygyny. That may feel as if she has control over the situation in a society where marriage has almost lost value.

Scripture teaches us: “Do not be afraid, just have faith,” (Mk 5:36). Sometimes women’s attitudes are based on a spirit of fear and indicate a lack of trust, horizontal and vertical. Their response is not based on the consequences of polygamous unions or the societal implications it holds for future generations. Neither is it based on adherence to the teachings of Christian spirituality. It is a game of survival.

Third, why would single women become a willing participants in polygamous unions? Why would women want to share a husband? Economic security cannot be viewed as the only driver to become a polygamous wife. Love clearly plays a role. It implies that single women (including some Christian women) wilfully engage in relationships with married men. It indicates a diversion of values between the practising of Christian spirituality and single women’s lifestyles.

Fourth, who really holds the power? It is a matter of decision-making. Whatever a woman’s status, she has free will. The decision is influenced by her moral values and principles, her role in society and the spirituality she embraces. Another factor is the extent to which women are able to overcome societal and cultural pressures, a common factor many single women are confronted with. To break an ancient concept such as polygamy requires exercising leadership. Women will have to think and act differently.

To integrate the teachings of Christ into daily lives of single women requires strength of character and wisdom. To walk away from temptation requires you to constantly dwell under the Blood of Merciful Jesus. Scripture teaches us: “…be holy yourselves in every aspect of your conduct, for it is written, ‘Be holy because I (am) holy’.” (1 Peter1:15-16)

Some married men believe that they are capable of loving multiple women. This makes a joke of the concept of love as defined in Ephesians 5: 31: “For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” The spirit of love is captured in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It is a simple, yet powerful guideline towards understanding a complex emotion: Christian love, the gift of the Holy Spirit. It implies that love “… does not seek its own interest.”

Polygyny is an unethical practice: it eliminates the sanctity of marriage, decreases respect, humility and equality between men and women, and rejects the integrity and human dignity of women. This behaviour of men encompasses selfishness, pride, lack of self-control and promotes lustful desires and exploitation of women. It is similar to prostitution: married men having access to women according to their preferences and time.

To understand women’s role requires an in-depth study to determine why Christian women participate in polygamous unions; why women sustain a harmful patriarchal process; and why women allow an ancient practice of polygamy to flourish in the contemporary world.

Single women hold the supply market and can break the polygamous cycle. Men do not hold women’s decision-making powers, only the demand for extra-marital affairs. Women can end the polygamy game through faith, dedication, perseverance and commitment. Such followers of Christ are found in Proverbs 31:26, 29-30: “She opens her mouth in wisdom…Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all…the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Wisdom, a gift of the Holy Spirit, sharpens our understanding of difficult situations and the consequences of decisions taken. Women and men’s commitment to follow the Commandments of God and the teachings of Jesus Christ are tested. 2 Tim 1:7 states: “For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.”

Let us offer intercessory prayers: for the sanctity of marriage; for the gift of family as God originally intended it to be; for single and married women the gift of wisdom; for married men a prayerful relationship with the Holy Spirit, to overcome selfish and lustful desires.