Quick comebacks and zingers

I find reading the newspapers depressing these days; not just because of all the bad news in the world, but because those on whom we rely for verbal entertainment have quite forgotten the art of repartee. Politicians, celebrities, sports stars, captains of industry — all they do is insult their opponents in a crass and unimaginative way, quite devoid of amusement for those of us who have to put up with it.

What happened to all those glorious insults from times gone by when cleverness with words was still valued; before a vast proportion of the English language got boiled down to four-letter words?
Take these wonderful examples, unearthed by my incredibly bright research assistant, Genevieve Google.

An exchange of words between the wartime British prime minister, Winston Churchill, and Lady Nancy Astor, the first woman ever to serve in Britain’s House of Commons. Lady Astor said: “If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.” Churchill replied: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of parliament said to Sir Benjamin Disraeli, another British prime minister: “Sir, you will die either on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease.” Disraeli replied: “That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

Churchill again: “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” And: “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

How about the theatre critic Walter Kerr, talking about someone for whom he had little admiration: “He had delusions of adequacy.”

Clarence Darrow, the famous American lawyer: “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

William Faulkner, talking about author Ernest Hemingway: “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” To which Hemingway responded: “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

The following short and bitter-sweet retorts are among my favourites:

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial” — humorist Irvin S Cobb.

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it” — classical scholar Moses Hadas.

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure” — comedian Jack E Leonard.

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge” — US politician Thomas Brackett Reed.

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily” — 19th century French diplomat Charles Count Talleyrand.

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it” — Mark Twain.

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Twain again.

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend…If you have one” — George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill.

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second…if there is one” — Churchill, in response.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go” — Oscar Wilde.

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it” — Groucho Marx.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here” — the title of a song by Stephen Bishop.

And how about these character references?

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him” — actor Forrest Tucker.

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know” — Abraham Lincoln.

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others” — Samuel Johnson.

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music” — film director Billy Wilder.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork” — actress Mae West.

“He is a self-made man, and worships his creator” — John Bright, 19th century liberal.

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends” — Oscar Wilde.

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt” — actor-director Robert Redford.

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination” — Writer Andrew Lang.

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up” — former Australian prime minister Paul Keating.

“John Howard has all the vision of Mr Magoo without the good intentions” — Keating again, referring to his successor.

I suppose some will chastise me for making light of man’s inhumanity to man, under normal circumstances sinful and hardly in keeping with the Christian ethos. But I see all I have quoted as entertainment and public relations one-upmanship.

Mostly, I think, this was more about two people tacitly agreeing to insult each other in public, just to stay in the public eye, so most of it wasn’t sinful but rather just plain marketing.

In my book, it was all good clean fun and so much more entertaining, don’t you think, than watching contenders on reality television eating sheep’s innards with their heads in buckets of worms?