The axe of the apostles

My monthly journey into the world of the Internet took me to the United States where a group of primary school children were asked to give their interpretations of the Bible.

They were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments, and the following statements have not been retouched, edited or corrected.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an Ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. 3. Lot’s wife w spiller of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Zezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says do unto others before they do one to you.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St Paul cavorted to Christianity; he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

One of the best websites I have come across recently is www.quotegarden.com with literally thousands of excellent quotations on every subject imaginable. Here are a few on the subject of children.

“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.” – Stacia Tauscher

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” – Franklin P Jones

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.” – Author unknown

“We’ve had bad luck with our kids – they’ve all grown up.” – Christopher Morley

“A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer.” – Author unknown

“Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.” – Harold Hulbert

“Children are one third of our population and all of our future.” – Select panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981

“Every child comes with a message that God is not yet discouraged of man.” – Rabindranath Tagore

“A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of R2 000 set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.” – Bill Vaughan

“In the United States today, there is a persuasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults.” Thomas Szasz

“Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.” – Franklin P Jones

“Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.” – Not Your Average Dictionary

“Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.” – George Bernard Shaw

And I would like to end with a favourite that my father used to tell us whenever a new grandchild was born: “Be careful of your kids, they always repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”