Kids say the darndest things

As a father and grandfather, it never ceases to amaze me, the logic that kids come up with.

Take that wonderful story of a little girl in Catechism class who was working away at her colouring book with quite considerable verve and passion.

Her teacher asked what she was drawing and she replied: “A picture of God.”

The teacher smiled, put her arms round the little girl and said as compassionately as she could: “But, no one knows what God looks like.”

The kid stopped drawing, let out a deep sigh that only children can emit when adults just don’t understand anything and said: “They will in a few minutes.”

Later, at that same catechism class the children were asked how grown-ups decide who they are going to marry.

What followed can only be described as completely naive logic with a word or two of sheer wisdom and foresight thrown in.

“You have to find somebody who likes the same stuff. If you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”—Alan, age 10.

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”— Kristen, age 10.

“Twenty-three is the best age to get married because you know the person FOREVER by then.”—Camille, age 10.

The teacher then asked how a stranger can tell if two people are married and young Derrick, 8 came up with what has to be the most logical answer possible:

“They will be yelling at the same kids.”

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

“Both don’t want any more kids.”—Lori, age 8.

What do most people do on a date?

“Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”—Lynnette, age 8.

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”—Martin, age 10.

What would you do on a first date that wasn’t working out?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”—Craig, age 9.

When is it okay to kiss someone?

“When they’re rich”—Pam, age 7.

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”—  Curt, age 7.

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them… It’s the right thing to do.”—Howard, age 8.

Is it better to be single or married ?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”—Anita, age 9

And my absolute favourite is….

How would you make a marriage work?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”—Ricky, age 10.

And finally, how about this for some juvenile wisdom?

“Never trust a dog to watch your food” —Patrick, 10.

“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him”—Michael, 14.

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a cricket bat”—Joel, 10.

“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac”—Andrew, 9.

“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair”—Taylia, 11.

“Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your homework”—Tracey, 14.

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in your milk”—Armir, 9.

“Don’t sneeze in front of your mom, when you’re eating a biscuit”—Mitchell, 12.

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse”—Naomi, 15.

“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working”—Michael, 14.

“If you get a bad school report, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone”—Alyesha, 13.

My favourite quote from the past year was from my three-year-old granddaughter Emma, who was chatting to a neighbour about her older brother having broken his collarbone falling out of a tree. “Are you sad about your brother being hurt, Emma?”

She replied “Jesus is sad and God is sad. But I’m OK….” So, here’s to 2011 being yet another year of the child.