Cellular confession

I was fascinated to read in The Southern Cross earlier this month that some techno-savvy Catholics in the United States have taken to heart what Pope Benedict said on World Communication Day recently, how it is not enough to just “proclaim the Gospel through the new media”, but that one must also “witness consistently”.

The developers of “Confession: A Roman Catholic App” for Apple’s iPhone, iPad and iPod think their product helps people do both. Brothers Patrick and Chip Leinen and their friend Ryan Kreager said the computer programme app is the only one with an imprimatur and is designed to help people make a better confession.

Given in this case by Bishop Kevin Rhoades of Fort Wayne-South Bend, an imprimatur is an official declaration by a Church authority that a book or other printed work may be published. It declares the published work contains nothing offensive to Catholic teaching on faith and morals.

Mr Kreager explained: “The app is really built for two kinds of people. For Catholics who go to confession regularly, it gives them information. They enter their name, age, their sex, their vocation and their last confession date, and it generates an examination of conscience based on that information.” Centred on the Ten Commandments, the examination would be different for a young mother than for a teenage boy, for example. The examinations were provided by two different priests and in addition to helping Catholics who already make use of the sacrament of reconciliation, the confession app is “also for people who’ve been away from the Church and want the opportunity to go to confession. You go to the examination of conscience and it literally walks you through, step by step, your confessions as if you are in the confessional.”

Obviously, the app doesn’t replace the traditional way of confession. You can’t phone through your confession. But on reading all of this, I simply could not resist reprinting here something I wrote some time ago in this column: a very much tongue-in-cheek look at the ultimate in cyber-confessions (if these were allowed).

Just imagine kneeling down next to your bed and dialling away in anticipation of making your confession without having to schlep to church or get in a queue. There’s the first problem because where I live there is no cellphone signal next to my bed so I would probably have to go upstairs to my study as I usually do and then stand up with one finger in my ear and my leg on my desk in order to get some sort of useable signal. A stance hardly conducive to sanctity in any shape, form or stretch of the imagination. However, let’s assume you actually manage to get through.

“Hello, you have reached Dial-a-Sin. Your call is important to us, please be patient, you are number 127 in the queue.” Handel’s Largo plays ominously in the background and does nothing for your patience to the point of adding another sin to be confessed before you even start. But at last you are through.

“Hello you have reached Dial-a-Sin. If you would like your confession to be heard by a Dominican priest, press 1, if you’d like a Franciscan, press 2, if you’d like a Jesuit think about this option  very carefully and then press 3.

“Thank you for choosing our friendly Franciscan. For mortal sins, press 1; for venial press 2.

“Thank you for choosing venial. To fast track your confession, if your venial sin involves losing your temper, telling smallish fibs and the odd white lie, push 1 for blanket absolution. If your venial sins are a little more serious than the above or you feel they might well stray into the realms of mortal, please push 2 and answer some simple multiple choice questions.

“Thank you for choosing the fast track option. For a recorded homily on the evils of sin, push 1; for instant absolution push 2.

“Thank you for choosing instant absolution. If you require your penance sent to you via an SMS, press 1; if you want your penance read out to you right now by your friendly Franciscan, press 2.

“Thank you for choosing the penance option from your friendly Franciscan. Remember you are absolved only once you have completed your penance. Terms and conditions apply.

“Your penance is…please be patient as our computer downloads your personal option…zzz… click…brzz…click…your penance is…zzzrp, bzzzz, click, pfrrrrttttt…blppppp…network busy…missed call…”

“Hello you have reached Dial-a-Sin, you are number 348 in the queue…”

At which point, if you are a normal human being and once again frustrated by having a cellphone call dropped at just the wrong moment, you will probably throw your cellphone on the ground, smashing it to pieces, at the same time swearing very loudly and very possibly contemplating heading hell for leather into mortal sin territory.