Star Trekking to Planet Employment

by Nthabiseng Maphisa · January 4, 2019

I must say, 2018 has been a wild year. There is much that I have learned about myself and about others.

The close of a year always gives me time to reflect on all that has been done and all that has not been done. I imagine that many people will engage in deep introspection about their current state of life, most especially their working life.

There will be firm resolutions made to finally seek that promotion, ask for that raise or fire their employer (otherwise known as a “resignation”). Sometimes our work lives, or the pursuit of one, can feel like a journey through space as we sail from one volatile planet to another.

The World of Work

The world of work is a daunting universe. There are moons, stars and planets and meteors and nebulae. This complex collection of celestial beings brings much for the new job-seeker to learn.

He or she is unaware of the perils of the voyage that is about to take place. But before embarking on this journey, it will be made known to the job-seeker that it is necessary to acquire a suitable vessel.

“And what shall this vessel be?” you may ask. Well, it is none other than your Curriculum Vitae, the document that is meant to summarise your entire existence.

In one page you are to excite and impress prospective employers with phrases like “excellent management capabilities” and “is able to take criticism”. It is to be avoided to trumpet the overused sales tactics such as “team player” and “perfectionist”. Failure to resist these temptations will disrupt the mechanics of your vessel and you will be forced to inhabit the dark and crowded planet of Unemployment.

Many have found themselves here and have yet to continue their voyages to the planets Middle Management and Associate Director of Something.

I have also learned that it is necessary to include recognised qualifications from accredited institutions. As such the inclusion of your Bachelor of Recreation degree specialising in Channel Surfing and Snacking is not advisable.

The Interview

Some voyagers will be fortunate enough to have their ships recognised by the beings of a far superior planet. They will be contacted and called in for an interrogation under the code name of “interview”. Such individuals are to be prepared for vague questions and statements such as “So can you tell us about yourself?” Heaven only knows what they want you to say.

Out of desperation one would like to respond with “Do you pay in money or peanuts? Can you explain what leave is and how do I take it?” Do not be surprised if you are sent back to that dark and crowded planet.

Some individuals will make it through this trial of fire and be invited to take up residence on Planet Work.

Beings Who Populate ‘Planet Work’

Here they will encounter strange beings from other worlds. They have been called “Crazy” and “Rude” and most notably “The Boss’s Favourite”. They will be tempted to contact their home planets to send space shuttles to collect them and transport these strange creatures back from whence they came.

Unfortunately Planet Work does not operate this way and all residents are required to get along.

These individuals will also be left to navigate a path through Office Politics, which is a weird and sometimes uninhabitable place. Here, people will annihilate one another through Office Gossip, a powerful substance that can be found in abundance on Planet Work. When it is used it can achieve the desired effect of the spread of rumours and dented reputations.

It seems the voyage to this planet cannot be avoided. It is then my sincere hope that all those looking for work in 2019 may find what they need to provide for themselves and their families.

May they fire their rockets and shoot for the moon and Mars.

May these journeys we take help us pay off our bonds and as Buzz Lightyear would say: “To infinity and beyond!”