How grand is it to be a grand-parent?

What does it take to become a grandparent? Nothing really. It is one of the things that happens to one and of which there are undoubted consequences.

One of the things I enjoy in life is playing around with language and words. Having spent a day or so recently with friends, one an A1 English teacher, I found myself playing around with English words ending in use; words like use, misuse, abuse, accuse, amuse, excuse, recluse.

And as I reflected on the Family Life theme for the month of July–”Grandparents, life and love across the generations”–I wondered how those words would apply. Grandparents and their grandchildren often have a special bond and can amuse one another in very simple ways. Many 50, 60 or 70 year-olds yearn for a grandchild to hold and love.

So what constitutes use, misuse or abuse in our different cultural and social groups, groups with different expectations and experiences? Some grans and grandads might love to be used as childminders, babysitters, taxi-drivers, homework supervisors, cooks and bottlewashers, cleaners and menders. Others would consider that misuse or even abuse.

Some consider it normal, even natural, for babies to be left with and brought up by their grandparents, grannies mostly. Some children don’t even know their biological mother, let alone their father, and consider their grandparents their parents. This has been so for many years, but I am told on good authority, that some grandmothers nowadays say: no more, sorry! They want a life of their own, have their own career and do not want to be saddled with the fruit of their children’s irresponsibility. That is very hard on the little ones but possibly also needs to be taken seriously by the in-between generation, those who are producing the babies. A case of use, misuse or abuse?

A major concern is the number of grandparents who are used in caring for orphans when parents die of Aids or other unspecified causes. In this complex situation what excuse is made, if any, and to accuse anyone appears not to be permitted. Stigmatisation is abuse and compassion must be used.

An aspect of grandparent abuse in poorer areas could be having the elderly stand in pension pay-out queues for many hours and then their little resource is put to use by the extended family. Many do so stoically, accepting that is the reality of poverty, but it is not always completely necessary.

It is also to be noted how older people were traditionally treated with respect in most cultures, especially African, but a serious social problem nowadays is abuse of the old by younger family members and also by care-givers in institutions.

However, our theme concerns the generations, and it is also not uncommon for the older person to be the misuser of their children’s hospitality and kindness.

While care of the aged is often done with great love, to what extent does a family owe it to their older members to put their own lives and aspirations under stress in order to provide care in sometimes really difficult situations, such as Alzheimer’s disease or senility or just a selfish refusal to be “put in a home”? What excuses are made?

A real sadness, (could it be classed abuse?), is when the young generation in particular reject values their grandparents hold dear, abandon the practice of their religion and adopt a materialistic, hedonistic, individualistic lifestyle. That hurts, but again one dare not accuse. It is not your business!

So we might get to excuse ourselves, act the recluse and hoard our lifesavings to ourselves, in order to drown our sorrows and amuse ourselves at the local casino.

And finally, really subjecting the English language to abuse, God forbid, even become a loose granny. After all, what do we have to lose?