How We Can Have Better Relationships
If we knew how to communicate better, we might find greater peace in our families, our communities, and even the world. Toni Rowland suggests that techniques for fruitful dialogue, beginning in the family, can be drawn from the synodal process and Marriage Encounter.
It is a strange and even new word to many, but synodality is an old concept, going back to the early days of the Church. In the early Church, apostles (bishops) and lay members — in their families and home churches – practised a form of dialogue that was “The Way” on which they journeyed together.
The current Synod and its “Conversation in the Spirit” can be compared to that ancient process. Certainly, Pope Francis wishes that in future it becomes a meaningful resource for faith-sharing, in the Church in general as well as in families and other groups.
Lessons from Synod
The Synod on Synodality 2021-2024, called by Pope Francis, is a four-year process. It started with two years of Church-wide consultation, followed by two synods in Rome, in October 2023 and this coming October.
Questions from the discernment process formed the basic starting point, with the “Conversation in the Spirit” as the methodology. Its essential aspects are most simply explained as follows:
- Each person shares what God has been saying to them in their own private reflection and what is in their heart. Others listen attentively with no interruptions. A moment of silence follows.
- Each person shares again what has resonated or touched them positively or negatively in response to what others have shared. Others listen. Again, silence follows.
- Group dialogue on what has emerged to discern and gather the fruit of the conversation. Ask: “What is the Holy Spirit calling us to do together?”
However, apart from these suggestions, the dicastery does not provide information into appropriate methods, especially the “Conversation in the Spirit”, presented above, and is the aspect on which I would like to focus.
Family, Church and home
The family has its own spirituality. In Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love), Pope Francis recognises the Trinity as the model for families. “Spirituality of family love is made up of thousands of small but real gestures,” the pope writes in Amoris Laetitia. “In that variety of gifts and encounters which deepen communion [with one another] God has his dwelling place.”
Family spirituality is physical — psychological, emotional, sexual, and religious. Family prayer and family faith-sharing, or dialogue, are important aspects in the family tasks of socialisation and passing on the faith. Relationships change and develop over time and therefore need ongoing strengthening and support. Communication skills are needed and must be acquired at all levels and on all issues.
Some observations from my own experience on dialogue specifically illustrate these points. My late husband Chris and I were actively involved in parish life through choir and catechetics, but it was Marriage Encounter that gave us our first exposure to faith-sharing. It was my first experience of not just “teaching” catechism but of learning to share — one’s feelings in particular. The objective of this form of dialogue is growing in intimacy through identifying with feelings as spontaneous inner reactions which are neither right nor wrong.
The Marriage Encounter dialogue process requires writing a response to a chosen question on any subject at all, from the price of eggs to why Artificial Intelligence can be a threat to good communication. The sharing requires honest revelation and careful listening. After reaching an understanding on that personal level, there can be discussion on this or another issue.
A life-changing experience
Experiencing Marriage Encounter in 1979 was a life-changing experience for Chris and me, amounting to falling in love all over again. It has also been a life-changing experience for thousands of couples and even priests, spiritually as individuals, as couples, and as renewed members of our Church. It was life-changing on the level of couple intimacy — physical, sexual, emotional and psychological — in part through listening to the speakers on the weekend and through using the Marriage Encounter tool of dialogue.
Dialogue, in whatever form, requires a structure, a technique, commitment and discipline to gain the benefit for improved communication, love, trust, acceptance. Those involved in Marriage Encounter know that if the technique is used wisely and diligently, many marriages could be enhanced and even saved, and families would be more open to one another. Unfortunately its popularity has waned over the years, possibly as a sign of the times such as the challenges of the digital world.
Telling a story
Every day, Marfam publishes digital “Thoughts for the Day” in a dialogue format, including an anecdote, reflection, sharing, prayer and action. They are not only aimed at families but also present a family focus.
Dialogue in various forms and now in “Conversations in the Spirit” is a true gift of fraternity as Pope Francis would see it in Fratelli Tutti, the encyclical which is subtitled “Social Friendship”. It is a valuable gift in a world striving for peace, which is not just an absence of war but also a way of love. But surely peace on earth begins in the family, and with learning and practising techniques of openness, sharing and listening.
These elements of living a family faith life are beneficial for themselves, and also to the Church, our communities and the world.
Toni Rowland is a family activist based in Johannesburg. To access Marfam’s wide range of material, visit marfam.org.za
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