My travel lessons

World travel is an enjoyable, enlightening and enriching, but also a tiring experience. This was so in and with the different families I visited in the north-western part of the world last month.

The few days I spent with my daughter in New York was, of course, a unique and very exciting time.

Some of the families I visited were originally South African and were now living elsewhere, or had lived in South Africa at some time. Others had visited South Africa in the cause of different forms of family ministry. So in a way I could say it was a family ministry working holiday, especially as I was also able to connect with various family life offices in the United States and Canada.

Although, as we shared our work and life experiences, we realised that families everywhere experience the strains of modern day living, it did appear to me that in both the US and Canada on the whole there is greater active involvement by parents and even grandparents with children than is the general norm in South Africa.

The dictum “children should be seen and not heard” certainly didn’t apply. I particularly enjoyed watching how one family interacted with their young children, and how families in their community had become involved in their children’s football—in this case, girls’ football.

Fathers were helping out with coaching and all the family gathered to cheer the teams on as they played their matches. Problematically, matches are on Sunday mornings, something that needs to be worked around when it comes to church.

I know that there are families in South Africa who are actively involved with their children’s activities and who also gather around the table regularly for meals together, but I have not experienced this as quite the general picture.

The main purpose of our trip had been to join in the wedding celebration of my daughter’s close childhood friend. Both families had been friends too, so it was a special joy to meet up with many old friends after quite a few years.

Many South Africans do experience loss when so many of our friends and family members emigrate, leaving a real gap in our lives.

Another fun thing was noting traditions in different families; how public holidays are celebrated together, what is done about birthdays and anniversaries, reading bedtime stories, and even how a tradition of watching and rating the sunset over the lake, is being passed on from one generation to the next.

Maybe I am idealising. Sure, there was togetherness. At the same time there were conflicts and hurts—that seems to be a universal norm for weddings and other family gatherings. And couples and families there also struggle with their relationships and need the benefits of marriage and family enrichment programmes, which, like here, are offered but not too well used.

Pressures of time and work are sometimes more severe where there is no domestic help with children and parents still want, and financially need, two jobs. It seemed that many grandparents are involved in child-care, too.

Our family life September theme focused on family traditions and October’s theme is “love gives children goals.” This is part of the mission of the family to form itself into an intimate community of life.

High-achieving parents tend to set high goals. Even parents who did not have everything they wanted themselves, want their children to have more and be more successful. But we must also guard against selfishness and greed. Surely the greatest goals are still to give children the love and stability they need to enable them to be secure in themselves as they grow into mature and caring members of their own families, of the Church and society.

One afternoon, on a leisurely drive through pretty autumn colours, I was reminded of the episode where Jesus asks Peter: “Do you love me?” He asked three times, almost making Peter impatient in his reply. So as we drove along the little six-year old leaned over and said: “I love you, Daddy.” Dad replied: “I love you too.” A first time, and a second time, but the little chap carried on for a third time, needing to say it, needing to be listened to by his genuinely loving father. Father too needed to hear it, needed to be reminded how important a role he has to play in that family.

Will our young married couples be willing to rise to the challenge and make the necessary sacrifices to put their marriage and families before their own personal life goals of success? After all, what can be rated as a greater success than having your family together on your wedding day, and on your 25th and 50th anniversary?

May that be your family mission and goal, your prayer together, praying for it with gratitude and joy each passing year, passing it on to the children as the noblest goal of all.