The big Christmas party communication breakdown

Last year at this time I bemoaned the fact that Christmas had become so commercialised, and added my hope that business in particular would consider the real meaning of Christmas and perhaps channel some of those vast amounts they spent on frivolous corporate handouts to meaningful Christmas gifts and dinners to those less fortunate.

I hope the following scenario will persuade them to seek an alternative next year. I’ve called this The Corporate Christmas Memos:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 24, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks. We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.

And don’t be surprised if our chairman shows up as Father Christmas!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should exceed R50 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

The next day:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

The next day:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table (you didn’t sign your name). I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that R50 is too much money.

Patty

The next day:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit as far away from the dessert buffet as possible and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.

Gays and lesbians are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men. Each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.

Yes, for pity sake, we will have special seat cushions for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply sugar-free. Sorry! Did I miss anything?

Patty

The next day:

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All our damn Employees
RE: The damn Holiday Party

Hey, vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you will all have to just sit quietly at the table furthest from the “Grill of Death”, as you so quaintly put it. And yes, you’ll get your damn salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream!! I’m hearing them scream right NOW!!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Patty, the witch from HELL!

The next day:

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. Meanwhile, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give the money to charities that look after tall, short, gay, lesbian, Christian, non-Christian, fat, thin, carnivorous and vegetarian poor children.

Happy CHRISTMAS!
Joan