It’s Time to Fix our Families

Family-friendly: That is the name of this monthly column in which I share some thoughts on the subject. When I present my weekly “Family Matters” programme on Radio Veritas, I normally introduce it by saying: “Bringing you the good news of family life on Radio Veritas, which brings you the Good News for a change.”

(Graphic: The Southern Cross)

When I think ahead about what I will be presenting I often wonder whether family life is really good news, because quite often it is not obviously so.

Can the deliberations of the Synod on the Family even be called good news because they are also dealing with hurtful topics that will not always be able to be changed into good news? Would the Church’s teaching or some way of presenting the issue of divorced and remarried couples, or same-sex couples have to change to make them good news?

Our ministry to families on the ground is not primarily about the teachings which may or may not be difficult to accept. Our ministry is more about of compassion and concern that underlie the reason Pope Francis called the synod on the pastoral challenges concerning the family. In expressing and sharing in our hurtful situations we are called to be family-friendly.

The family theme for the month of November is “Family Loss and Needed Support.” Every day during the month the small Thoughts for the Day booklets present an aspect of loss for consideration, reflection, prayer, sharing, discussion and possibly action by a family or its members.

Loss is experienced in every family all the time. Death of an older person after a period of illness is very different from death by murder, suicide or an accident of a much younger person. Loss of a family member or friend who is moving away is also traumatic. Even the death of a beloved pet can be very painful, as Günther Simmermacher once explained in an article  (www.scross.co.za/2005/01/requiem-for-a-dog/)

So where does family-friendliness come in? Sensitivity and compassion are part of the needed support.

At a few recent events I attended, one being the national International Year of the Family conference, some speakers addressed their own disabilities resulting from accidents. Yes, they mourn the loss of their physical competence and they want to be acknowledged for doing so — but sensitively and without pity.

One woman said she wants to be treated as normally as possible even though she is confined to a wheelchair. She just wants society to be aware of her special needs and do something about them.

Telling anyone, old or young, who is grieving to “pull yourself together” is not helpful. Telling them that time will heal may be appropriate, but not in the early stages of dealing with it.

Some cases are more difficult to respond to than others. There will be more support for a woman who has had a miscarriage than for someone who has had an abortion. They may not even disclose this kind of hurt. But it is real.

Healing ministry is becoming an important area of ministry.  Priests who hold healing services say that most often healing is requested for a family-related issue. Often it is not something talked about or addressed at home.

Of course, we pray and attend such services, but how family-friendly can we become in dealing with hurt and healing one another through the grace of God active in our little church of the home?

Are we shy, embarrassed and often think we don’t know what to say or how to say it? Our family healing ministry can be facilitated if we remember that we are wounded healers too.

Retrouvaille, the programme for hurting marriages, teaches couples to learn to communicate about their feelings and gradually about the issues dividing them.  Family ministers in parish programmes are not necessarily trained counsellors but they can help families to communicate, share the good news, and the bad news too.

We call it Parish Family Ministry. The government in its White Paper on Families calls it “family preservation”. It is about preserving the unity in families, strengthening even good families, and particularly those at risk or where there is some degree of dysfunctionality.

We, of the SACBC Family Life Desk and MARFAM and all the family movements, work in our own ways at being and becoming family-friendly.

MARFAM offers a retreat day for widowed people. But we have all learned that it is the task of the whole community: Church and society.

It is a mindset change, a paradigm shift that can and should accommodate the joys and the many hurts we face day by day.

Sometimes it’s done through a hug, a touch, a phonecall, e-mail, Facebook or Skype message. Being family-friendly is worth it at any time. Give it a try.