Committed to Grandparents

What a hectic family month June was, certainly for me. There were two birthdays, Father’s Day and the anniversary of my husband’s death.

A grandmother prepares her daughter for school. July is dedicated to grandparents as the month marks the feast of Ss Anne and Joachim, grandparents of Jesus. (Photo: Paul Jeffrey/CNS)

In our family we don’t live in each other’s pockets, so having a number of occasions to celebrate together was a good bonder.

However, like most South African families we’re split up and don’t all live in the same town and country. That can make some of them feel left out, in the cold as it were. So there is an extra need to be heart-warming and keeping in touch somehow.

This feeling applies particularly to the older generation who are the family focus theme for the month of July. The 2014 International Year of the Family called this “intergenerational solidarity”, a term Pope Francis users in his new encyclical, Laudato Si’.

Often the elderly do have more time but also less energy. Should the older ones be in contact with the younger ones or vice versa? Different families have their own way of doing this. Some generations are very close, but it is a sad fact that many older people living in old-age homes receive few visits and have minimal contact with their families, so much so that their fellow-residents become another family to them. Thank God for that.

To do a little research I conducted a very informal mini-survey with the ladies in the “knit ’n’ giggle” club in my retirement village. I asked them to share some of their fears.

Many fears concern illness, such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease and memory loss. Other fears were of falling, being alone, leaving or losing family, especially a child or grandchild, and also running out of money. Some admitted to a fear of dying.

In the current issue of Family Matters magazine this survey and other reflections are summarised under the title “The fears and gifts of the elderly”.

It might be a good learning experience to do such a survey as a family exercise at home; I will post the questions on Marfam’s website (marfam.org.za).

On the subject of fears, it is a serious tragedy that some grandmothers reportedly fear abuse, including sexual, by children and even their grandchildren.

Grandparents want a little attention from their children and grandchildren, a little tender loving care, a phone call, SMS, Skype or Facebook message (if they are up to that technological standard).

It seems to be a present reality that it is not the wisdom of the elders that guides our families today, but the knowledge of the young. How best then can we connect with one another for the good of all?

There are a number of developmental theories on life patterns, tasks and choices. One theory I like is Erikson’s theory of psycho-social development which describes different life tasks for different ages.

As senior citizens, people tend to look back on their lives and think about what they have or have not accomplished. If a person has led a productive life, they will develop a feeling of integrity and achieve the virtue of wisdom. If not, they might fall into despair.

The grandparent theme was chosen for this month because on July 26 the Church commemorates the grandparents of Jesus, Joachim and Anna.

During the month, and especially on that last weekend, I challenge and invite all families and parishes to focus on grandparents, pay tribute, honour them and thank them for their commitment over the very many years of their lives.

They may have modelled faithfulness in marriage, patience with children and grandchildren, achievement in bringing up many children single-handedly or they may also have become grumpy and critical and resentful about exploitation.

Depending on the type of parish some may have a workshop, a special Mass and blessing, bring the housebound oldies to church, perhaps have the youth provide some entertainment, feed them with a meal or special tea.

Recognise their ongoing needs and finally to paraphrase slightly the message of the Book of Sirach: “These were also godly people whose virtues have not been forgotten. Their wealth remains in their families, their heritage in their descendants; through God’s covenant with them their family endures, their posterity, for their sake.”