Thoughts from the Wedding Whisperer

by Chris Townsend · September 27, 2015

My secretary Karin calls me the wedding whisperer. I love marriages and preparing couples for marriage. It’s a large part of my work and that of Karin’s.

Paperwork for weddings is prolific. That’s why, when I did some research on Catholic marriage in South Africa recently, I was shocked. In South Africa we do less than 50% of the marriages that were being performed 25 years ago.

This is a huge issue for the Church in general and one that we need to face with new eyes, especially with the Second Synod on Family about to start. It’s a statistic that needs interrogation.

We are baptising and confirming about the same number as we did 25 years ago, so somewhere along the way half of those we baptise either don’t get married, or don’t get married in the Catholic Church.

Many couples are living together with the desire of marriage, but without the financial ability to finance a wedding. The wedding super-industry where style and bling trump substance is effectively stifling the grace of the sacrament by dissolving the ecclesial (church) significance of marriage.

The great sadness for me is that we are willing participants in this juggernaut. Recently at an Engaged Encounter weekend, I asked how much couples were paying for the wedding photographer and/or videographer. I stopped in shock when some indicated that they were paying over R40000 pose over purpose.

Many couples are paying more than R1000 per guest on the invitation list.

Moreover, many couples are not getting to the point of a marriage. Or, maybe, they just don’t get the point of marriage at all. That’s the saddest part.

In the Church, marriage is a sacrament of character. Marriage changes both spouses, for the better, for support, for children, for love. Why do so many baptised and confirmed Catholics see no point in marriage?

We Need to Prepare for Marriage, Not Just Weddings

In many South African cultures, marriage is seen as a process, a growing together from engagement (meeting of the families), to betrothal (lobola) to the eventual white wedding. Have we, as the Church, missed a chance to catechise on the reality of marriage as a process, where we can honour a more gradual character-change into marriage.

But what if there is no point to marriage? Discounting the difficulties many face in getting married and the graduate nature of marriage in some cultures, what are we missing?

My greatest fear in this is that we’re discounting family. The experience of marriage is no longer grace and vocation, but bind or destruction. No longer do we choose a companion on the journey and the co-creation that is marriage. Our selfishness has turned us against family. And I fear the selfie and media culture is just turning us more and more selfish.

What is the response? Parishes and clergy need to prepare for marriage not just for weddings.

In our parish, on the initial meeting with the clergy, we ask for couples to provide a photo of them together for our adoration chapel.

We ask the whole parish to pray for marriages. Every month we also bless marriage anniversaries and those preparing for marriage.

We also try to ensure that every couple sees the clergyman preparing them for marriage at least three times.

Recently, I have heard the wonderful suggestion that we need to mentor newly-married couples for five years after marriage. It’s a process I’m trying to follow in our pastoral care.

In Engaged Encounter, we have the motto, A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime. I modify this to say that a marriage is a series of daily choices to be married in Christ.

That’s why I do only one session of preparation for a wedding, and a lot more on preparation for a marriage for life.