Some Marriages just aren’t Marriages

Some people just are not meant to be married to each other. Some unions were not a marriage to begin with and it is disrespectful to everything that marriage represents to call it such.

When I say things like this, I think of a particular relationship that deeply marked my passage into adulthood.

A friend of mine fell pregnant as a teenager and her family gave her two options: marry or abort the unborn child. She chose to save her child and married someone who soon after the wedding began to physically abuse her. She later divorced him in court.

I don’t know whether she ever applied to have that marriage annulled by the Church. One thing I am certain of: she did not freely choose to enter into that marriage.

What is more, it cannot rightfully be called a marriage where the two become one flesh with Christ, nor is it the model of marriage that St Peter proposes when he instructs spouses to respect each other “as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).

It also does not correspond with the Church’s teaching on marriage, which is premised on a love that “requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses” and where the couple “help one another to attain holiness in their married life” (CCC 1641, 1646).

Often marriages do not live up to the ideals proposed by the Church. There are many circumstances where trust is broken or the marriage vows appear to have been forgotten. As Church, we want to protect marriage and find ways to help couples to heal what is broken, and to strengthen what has become weakened. This, however, requires that both partners be willing to put in the work to restore the marriage.

I believe that many marriages could be saved if parishes would provide access to marriage counsellors, who themselves understand the sanctity of marriage in the Catholic sense.

A friend recently told me that she and her husband had been experiencing numerous stumbling blocks in their marriage. Fortunately they have both committed to working with a counsellor who also accompanies them with prayer.

She said that it is as if the two of them are truly discovering each other for the first time and from the brink of divorce. They feel that their marriage now stands a chance.

Unfortunately, there are other cases where the differences are so irreconcilable that it is just not possible to salvage the marriage. This is where the Church provides an opportunity for annulment.

The good news is that Pope Francis has eliminated a lot of the red tape around this process. Hopefully this will no longer make people feel that they are forced to live outside the teachings of the Church.

Before Pope Francis last month announced these reforms to the annulment process, it was a costly, protracted and invasive exercise to determine that the marriage was not valid to begin with.

But I hope that this is just the beginning of the reforms that the Synod on Family Life will introduce this month—beginning with a deeper appreciation for the challenges within relationships.

Many marriages start off soundly, but through the years human brokenness may render these marriages unbearable, such as abuse, addiction or betrayal.

This brings tremendous suffering. Suffering which the Church can help to ease by being increasingly understanding and merciful.

I have family members whose spouses divorced them and moved on to new relationships. The remaining spouse never entered into a new relationship, choosing to honour their original marriage vows. I find this beautiful and a real example of fidelity.

Yet it makes me feel angry that they still feel as if they are to blame for the dissolution of their marriage and they refuse to go up for Communion at Mass. When I asked why, the response was that the “priest knows my situation and frowns if I take Communion”. We should be supporting those who are able to remain faithful in this way, instead of judging them for their failed marriage. In any case, divorcees who are not remarried are eligible to receive Communion.

Many people struggle with loneliness after the dissolution of their marriage. As a friend said to me: “He has moved on. How do I move on? Will I never again be able to hold someone’s hand and watch a sunset, be loved and give love? Am I condemned to being alone for the rest of my life just because I’m a Catholic and the Church says that if I enter into a new relationship, I am committing adultery?”

These are not easy questions and I truly hope that the bishops will find ways to offer pastoral support for those who are divorced or live in unions that are not currently sanctioned by the Church.

This does not mean a redefinition of marriage, but it does call for a pastoral response that is more merciful and more inclusive of all who, through their relationships, genuinely seek to become models of Christ’s love.

I also pray that the synod may adopt a new language to speak about human relationships, taking into account the frailty and brokenness wrought by the journey through life.

Instead of condemning words such as “living in sin”, “adultery” and “disordered”, let us hope that this month’s dialogue in the Vatican will produce a language of forgiveness which seeks to uphold what is good in loving relationships, while also continually encouraging couples to strive towards the highest ideals of love and a greater communion within the teachings of the Church.