Why I Don’t do ‘Bling’ Weddings or Funerals

by Chris Townsend · Published February 14, 2016 · Updated May 30, 2017

Recently, at a funeral service, a bling, boutique undertaker asked me to step aside from my customary place at the head of the grave as I was in the way of the doves.

The only proper place for a wedding is in the church, writes Fr Chris Townsend, or we risk privatising our sacraments.

One of the essential parts of the job of a parish priest is to be unpopular sometimes.I don’t ever remember, growing up, our parish priests ever being unpopular. But then there were always stories, those whispered confidences between parents that we as children ignored or weren’t privy to.

Being unpopular is a skill that is acquired with experience. At first minting, as a priest you really do try to be all things to all people. But with wisdom, experience and failure you realise that sometimes the Gospel and the Church are served by putting your foot down with a heavy, charitable hand.

My mother used to say maybe she still does’that I wasn’t happy unless there was a war to fight. Maybe thats true. Recently, I have taken issue with bling weddings and private baptism.

The Vatican’s Congregation for the Discipline of the Sacraments recently changed the wording of the welcome of children at the beginning of the Rite of Baptism from the Christian Community welcomes you to the Church of God welcomes you. This may seem insignificant, but I’m getting to see the value of this re-emphasis that it is the Church who is both the guardian and dispenser of the sacraments.

Just as recent years have seen the growth of the wedding venue trade, the logical consequence of the dissociation and privatisation of the sacraments is the growth of boutique baptisms.

Our princesses and princelings are way too important to be baptised with other children. They must have their own baptism ceremony, preferably in a photogenic venue.

We begin thereby a process where the community that is the Church is functionally excluded.

I fear that these boutique children will never really attend catechism or grow up as part of the believing and worshipping community. The Church will never be their home when it’s seen as a service provider, not a support.

The selfish generation (or is it the selfie generation?) which shows a defiance to anything that does not make the world revolve around them can see no point or relevance in a community of struggling and messy believers. The sacraments are stripped of their power and efficacy as moments of grace and privileged encounter with Christ in favour of the Dress and the Hair and photo moments.

Recently, at a funeral service, a bling, boutique undertaker asked me to step aside from my customary place at the head of the grave as I was in the way of the doves.

Generally one doesn’t like to cause too many disputes at a funeral, especially as graves are now way more than six feet deep, so I stepped aside only to have the undertaker bang her terrified rats with wings out of their cage and shoo them along, accompanied by a sermon-like explanation that this was the spirit leaving the body of the deceased.

Well, my dear, Your pagan auguries aside, this is just not what the Church teaches. But because it’s pretty and gimmicky, it’s lapped up all at additional cost.

One of the new trends at weddings is to have animals bring up the rings. It’s all very cutesy until the dogs have a proverbial dogfight while still carrying the rather expensive rings.

Of course, the cheetah that came down the aisle left a dilemma. I wasn’t putting my hands near a large, lithe cat that was purring like a Harley Davidson.

Nor was anyone else. After all, the cheetah was coaxed down the aisle by pieces of chicken being tossed in front of it.

Granny quickly shielded the very pretty flower girl for fear that the child be stalked. And there ended the liturgy and prayer but, of course, without any sudden moves.

This Catholic ceremony might as well have been a Home Affairs wedding service as the prayer element was lost to the wow factor.

So when you phone up and we respond to your request to include boutique affectations with large doses of mirth alternating with forehead-slapping, please understand that this is the Church of God.

Sacraments are celebrated in the parish church. Stick to the form that has been the same for a few hundred years and more.

Is it, measured against your bling ceremony, boring? Absolutely. Memorable? Probably not. But we’re part of a worshipping community and we privatise our practice and sacraments to selfishness at our own peril.