How the Job of Spouse is Changing

Busi and Sipho are a good Christian couple with three lovely children. Their marriage has been under considerable strain lately and they have decided to see a marriage counsellor, Pastor James. This is an account of what takes place at their first formal session.

Pastor James: I suggest we start by identifying the problem. Busi, what do you think the problem is?

Busi: Sipho just doesn’t care about me and the children. He is so absorbed in his world of work that the family doesn’t matter to him anymore. Take yesterday, for example: I arrived from work before him, and when he came in, I wanted to pour my heart out to him, to tell him what an absolutely hideous day I had had, but instead of listening to me, he switches on the TV and watches the news! And when I prevail upon him to pay attention, he becomes Mr Fix It, proposing grand solutions to my problems instead of listening to what I have to say.

Worse still, there are times when his so-called work has such a seductive attraction on him that he comes home very, very late while I have no one to talk to but the children. And when his children come from school, they want this to eat and that to eat, and they want to be helped with their homework. And I have to do all that alone.

Sipho: The problem, Pastor James, is that I have a woman for a wife who has no idea of what it means to be in the corporate world. She has no idea about the immense problems I face at my workplace. She is used to a government job where you can spend the whole day twiddling your fingers and still get your salary at the end of the month. She does not realise that while I appreciate that she is working, I am still the principal bread winner in this household.

The corporate world is a cruel, demanding and exacting world. I must jealously guard my job for our children’s sake and for her sake. I must produce results and keep my bosses happy even if it means I must spend part of the night in the office. And what makes the situation worse is that when I come home early and try to relax, Busi wants all my attention. She comes buzzing into my irritated ear like a busy bee. I have no peace of mind at work or in my own home.

Pastor James: I have listened to both of you. What I am going to do now is to start by referring to several factors that affect married relationships in the modern world. The first has to do with changing roles. In traditional society chores were clearly divided between men’s chores and women’s chores. For example, men went hunting while the women remained looking after the children and then cooked for the family when the meat came. The equivalent of hunting in today’s world is employment.

Whereas in days gone by it was men who were expected to work, today both men and women are bread winners. The problem for working women is that in many families they are expected to do the traditional chores of cooking and looking after children when they have spent the whole day at work. Many of us men do not realise that we must also change and become more and more like women by participating in such chores as dishwashing and helping children with homework.

The second and third factors are closely related. In today’s industrialised society there is a lot of pressure in the workplace. The pressure results in stress, and stress can have a devastating effect on our relationship with our loved ones.

The situation gets even worse because our family, educational and religious institutions have not trained us to understand one another. In other words, women expect men to react to situations as women do, and men expect women to react as men do.

I suspect this is at the centre of your marital problems. You need to learn to understand and appreciate each other better