His, hers and theirs

No, I am not talking of blended or reconstituted families with his children, her children and their children making a home together, but I am taking a narrower look at him, her and them, or what is sometimes called the gender issue.

Has the Church missed the boat in not talking about sex and sexuality more, in the broadest terms, and restricting the conversation mainly to marriage and to youth? I have written a number of times on the subject “Sexually active parents of sexually active children” and have then not been talking about sex per se but about sexuality.

All our human interaction right from the start in our families — but also every other interaction in workplace, sportsfield and in church situations too — is influenced by the fact that we are male and female, men and women, boys and girls. During Women’s month then I always focus on the two genders, male and female, as I believe there is no such thing as a woman, or a man for that matter, in isolation. If so we could become de-sexed which I don’t believe is God’s wish.

The way I interact with work colleagues — often different priests and sometimes bishops too — is as a woman, even if I am a widow. I may have just turned 65 but even at 85, if I ever reach that age, I will still be a woman. Will I be feminine? That, for me, is an important question; being feminine, more than purely female, in line with the life situation in which one finds oneself. Similarly of course being masculine would apply too.

Pope John Paul’s Theology of the Body presented around the country at present in various forms in programmes, books, DVDs and so on celebrates this sense of sexuality, and Pope Benedict also has addressed the topic in his writings. We are embodied spirits, not spirits who are trapped in some kind of material cage. The spirituality of sexuality is, I believe, poorly understood by many.

Youth are often more exposed to programmes about sexuality and yet it is an aspect of our identity all our lives and just as relevant for adults at different stages. A spirituality of sexuality is not just about me and my sexuality or an otherworldly denial of the relational dimension of who we are as men and women. A spirituality of sexuality is primarily an acknowledgement of our complementarity as a created good in the image of God. Of course a little complementarity would do no harm, again from either party.

July’s family theme considered grandparents and older people. Some are sexually active in the narrower sense but all are sexually active in the broader sense.

Yes, women need to be empowered in society and also in their sexual relationships with their partners, to have rights as well as responsibilities and the power to respond to these. But do we focus enough on the need for empowering men in these situations? Empowering with the understanding that the use of physical power to dominate is not acceptable and is by no means the only power? There are many dynamics at play in any relationship that can be constructive or destructive.

In August the SACBC Family Life Desk’s Marriage Awareness Campaign starts. It has been designed especially around the liturgical readings of weeks 21-27 and maybe it is appropriate for Women’s month that the 2nd reading on August 23 is the famous and often decried passage from Ephesians 5:21-32 that begins, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ” and continues to compare the marriage relationship to that of Christ and the Church.

It is a challenging passage not only for married couples but for all men and women married, single, celibate, religious, widowed, divorced, young and old. All can reflect and share, discuss and debate, argue and reconcile week by week using the readings of the time as the community prepares to celebrate marriage as a foundation sacrament of the Church for everyone on October 4. Why not organise speakers or workshops or a retreat or something for the newly-weds? The Church and society certainly needs to address the issue of him, her and them for the good of all.