Here’s a shot of good medicine

My father, a teacher, instilled in his children a love of reading. Not a love of books, mind, but a love of reading. He often used to say that he didn’t care whether we read comics, cowboy books or the back of tomato sauce bottles, as long as we read and read and read. Some of my favourite reading in my early adolescent days was the Reader’s Digest. My particular fascination was for a feature called “Laughter — The World’s Best Medicine”.

All of which allows me to share some delightful stories with you on the pretext that in these troubled times of debt ceilings, Arab springs and monumental mayhem, these are for medicinal purposes only.A fellow goes into a restaurant and is greeted by the manager, who asks: “Smoking or non-smoking?”
“Non-smoking,” he replies.
He is seated and a waiter comes over to his table to take his drink order.
“I’ll have a Cola,” he states.
The waiter says: “Diet or regular?”
“Regular.”
“Caffeine or caffeine-free?”
“With caffeine.”
The drink is brought to his table and the guy orders his food. The waiter asks what kind of dressing he’d like on his salad: “Italian, French, Thousand Island or raspberry vinaigrette?”
“Italian.”
“Regular or fat-free?”
“Regular.”
The man orders a steak with vegetables and potato.
“How do you want that prepared: rare, medium rare, medium well or well done?”
“Medium well.”
“How do you want your vegetables: raw, steamed, baked, boiled, blanched or fried?”
“Boiled.”
“And how would you like your potato: Baked, French fried or mashed?”
“Baked.”
Finally, the poor man has had enough and looks up to heaven and shouts: “I can’t take all of these choices!” He then calls on his patron saint saying: “St Francis, help me—help me with all these decisions!”
At that moment a voice booms from the sky: “Assisi, Xavier or De Sales?”

And from a restaurant to the streets of the Eternal City.
Two beggars were sitting side-by-side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but put money only in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
Then the pope comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but giving none to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David.
Finally, the Holy Father goes over the beggar behind the Star of David and says: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross in front of him. In fact, they might give money to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the pope, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Hey Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

And with that, we turn to prayer.
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for catechism class. As she ran she prayed: “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray: “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. But please don’t shove me either!”

And in catechism class:
The catechist asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”
The same catechist was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honour thy father and thy mother”, she asked: “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered: “Thou shalt not kill.”
After Mass, two boys were walking home after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One said to the other: “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

Finally, let’s go back to school.
Three boys are in the Anglican school yard are bragging about their fathers. The first boy says: “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him R500.”
The second boy says: That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him R1000.”
The third boy says: “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

So, how did that medicine go down?