Moerdyk goes green for a week

I used to love St Patrick’s Day at school. Not only did it come in the middle of Lent and so allow us relief from not having eaten sweets since Ash Wednesday; we also wore cardboard cut-out shamrocks and marched to Mass behind the wail of bagpipes and the swirling of kilts.

After that, just a lesson or two and hallelujah!—home-time early, to another million chocolate bars. Lastly—Hail, glorious Patrick!—no homework.

And now, all these years later, it gives me an excuse to give vent to the 25% pure Irish blood that courses through my veins and tell all those Irish jokes I have been saving over the past year. Like this one:

O’Driscoll was sinking in a bog, near Killarney in County Kerry, and seemed a goner when Big Dermot McCann wandered by.

“Help!” O’Driscoll shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!” “Don’t worry,” assured Dermot. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.”

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Dermot leaned out and grabbed O’Driscoll’s hand and pulled and pulled, but to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Dermot said to O’Driscoll: “Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.”

As Dermot was leaving, O’Driscoll called: “Dermot, Dermot! D’ye think it’d help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?”

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And who said romance was dead? Proposing to his girlfriend on St Patrick’s Day, Irishman O’Malley gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning the diamond wasn’t real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honour of St Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”

And here are the staples of many jokes: An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. But security was tight, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said: “Johnson, the pole vault”, and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said: “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced: “O’Sullivan, fencing.”

Of course, the Internet has made its way even to rural Ireland. Asked by his bank manager why he had chosen “Huey, Dewey, Louis, Berlin” as his Internet banking password, O’Brien replied: “Well it was on your instructions: three characters and a capital.”

This, however, is no joke. A Blessing for St Patrick’s Day:

There are only two things to worry about — either you are well or you are sick. When you’re well, there’s nothing to worry about.

But if you’re sick, then there are two things to worry about — either you get well or you will die. If you get well, there’s nothing to worry about.

But if you die, then there are two things to worry about — either you’ll go to heaven or you’ll go to hell. If you go to heaven, there’s nothing to worry about.

But when you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won’t have time to worry! So, why worry?

Finally, no St Patrick’s Day celebration would be complete without some traditional Irish blessings:

May the dust of your carriage wheels blind the eyes of your foes. May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live. May your fire never go out. May your well never run dry. May the roof above you never fall in, and those beneath it never fall out.

And an Irish Blessings for the Home:

Walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, and drinks beside the fire. Laughter to cheer you, and those you love near you, and all that your heart may desire!