Are you ready for kids?

Bringing up children isn’t easy. In fact, one of the most remarkable feats of human nature is to be able to raise a child without going insane. And one of the most miraculous feats of human nature is to bring up six, seven or sometimes ten children without going insane.

It was the late Sam Levenson, American humourist, writer, television host and journalist, who came up with the wisecrack: “Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your children.”

It was also Levenson, incidentally, who claimed that it was easy to be wise: “Just think of something really stupid to say. Then don’t.”

But, getting back to children, there have been many words of wisdom written on the subject of preparing young couples for parenthood. Few of these are able to aptly illustrate the emotional, energy draining, impact of the arrival of a 3,4kg bundle of disarming smiles and happy little gurgles all too frequently interspersed with myriad leaking orifices and extremely noisy lungs.

This also creates a dilemma for ageing parents desperately wanting their children to produce grandchildren by the bushel while at the same time being very much aware that this process is inevitably accompanied by a certain amount of pain on the part of the new mother and father. Pain that persists like a violently throbbing toothache until the babies have reached at least 25 years of age and have MBAs and well-paid jobs.

Just wildly encouraging anyone to leap into parenthood is a bit like seriously suggesting that they have a leg amputated to get rid of athlete’s foot.

So one has to resort to a mixture of humour and cold-hard facts to do the job properly. Such as this simple test I found on a Catholic website.

The parenthood test—How to know whether or not you are ready to have children.

Mess test: Smear peanut butter on the lounge sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there for a year.

Toy test: Buy a really big box of Lego. If this is not available, you may substitute drawing pins. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Now try to walk barefoot to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this could wake a child at night.

Supermarket test: Borrow one or two small animals—goats are best—and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Afternoon nap test: Lie down on your bed after a big Sunday lunch and ask a friend to sit with you and as soon as you nod off, to pour yoghurt in your ear.

The car test: Break a ripe watermelon into a mush and throw it all over your dashboard, gear lever, steering wheel and new leather upholstery.

Dressing test: Go to the fish shop and buy a large, unhappy, live octopus. Try to stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all its arms stay inside.

Feeding test: Take a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy porridge into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now dump the contents of the jug onto the floor.

Night test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 4-6kg of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 20:00 begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 21:00. Put the bag down and set your alarm for midnight. Wake up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00. Set alarm for 5:00. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Physical test (women): Take one large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove ten of the beans.

Physical test (men): Go to the nearest chemist. Put your wallet on the counter and say “help yourself”. Now go to the nearest supermarket. Arrange for your entire salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.