Everybody Hurts – Sometimes  

Part 2 of a 12-part series of articles on family relations by Imelda Diouf & Katarzyna Lewucha 

Social media is designed to record and share snapshots of our lives; mainly action and excitement as we create memories. The lyrics of R.E.M.’s 1991 hit, “Shiny happy people holding hands”, so aptly portrays the start of a generation where sharing the most mundane and intimate moments became common practice. Future generations might very well try to understand the disjuncture between the upbeat images and the often nasty comments that follow. 

“Shiny Happy People”, despite its fruity, bubblegum approach became a huge hit for the rock band, much to the embarrassment of lead singer Michael Stipe who was much more deeply rooted in lyrics of “Everybody Hurts” and “Losing My Religion”. 

While families might have moments of shiny and happy, the cycle of family life is also a journey of hurt and loss. Show me a family that is in a perpetual state of happiness and joy … and I will show you a lie! Observing some families we might think: they look happy, they have done an excellent job, they are beautiful — perfect, they are blessed. 

But what we might not perceive is the family’s sorrow, pain and worries. These are not always visible and would make us feel uncomfortable, obligated, or scared — especially when social media promotes shiny, happy people. It is difficult to accept the pain and imperfection. Yet, these are part of human existence. 

During February we celebrate World Day for the Sick. This is a month when pilgrims flock to Lourdes, offering devotion to the Holy Mary and seeking relief from suffering through the healing waters of the grotto. Lourdes’s water represents the healing power of faith from both physical and mental suffering. 

As part of the family life cycle, shiny and not-so-shiny families may gather and participate in the suffering of a terminally ill member. Kin will dress the body of a family member that has been brutalised by murder. Parents and siblings will dig with bare hands to find the bodies of loved ones that lie beneath shelled and exploded buildings. It is the power of family relationships that bring members together in suffering and pain. It is also an act of love and grace. 

In the apostolic letter “Salvifici Doloris”, Pope John Paul ll explains the meaning of suffering. “Suffering more than anything else is that which opens the way to grace. Which transforms souls; those who participate in the suffering of Christ preserve their sufferings in a very special particle of the indefinite treasure of the world’s redemption and can share these treasures with others.” 

It is hard to accept the suffering and pain of those whom we love. And we may never understand the meaning of their suffering, perhaps, until we are already in another world, and the eternal truth is revealed to us. But suffering has its own meaning in a life journey; suffering can be valued as the teacher of compassion, humanity and kindness. 

Families of those who suffer, and those who suffer themselves, might become advocates of the strengths of humanity. A person who is sick, weak and suffering can teach us how to become patient and how to sustain our carriage and strength. 

Caring for a sick child, spouse or elderly parent takes us out of self-centrism. We transfer the focus from our own needs onto the needs of those whom we love. When we care for those who are sick, we grow in humanity, and we teach the next generations how to serve, and how to be selfless. Again, St John Paul ll shares that a person “who suffers is not only useful for others but performs an irreplaceable service; suffering is the irreplaceable mediator”.

On the other hand, suffering alone is not redemptive. Alone-suffering can cause frustration and depression, and brings desolation, or the sense of becoming a burden. It is the power of family relationships that can help us to remember that suffering and grace have far greater meaning that is beyond all temporary satisfactions. 

Family is the primary place where we learn about human dignity and the reality of our existence. Shiny, happy people holding hands becomes all the more meaningful because even when the inevitable times of suffering and pain confront families, there is already a way of reaching out and holding hands.

So hold on, because everybody hurts, sometimes.  

Imelda Diouf is a South African teacher and Katarzyna Lewucha is a Polish social worker. This is the first in a twelve-part series in which they will unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.