Boundaries Not Walls

By Imelda Diouf and Katarzyna Lewucha. Imelda Diouf is a South African educator and Katarzyna Lewucha is a Polish social worker. This is the eleventh in a twelve-part series in which they will unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.

Love your neighbour as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39). A no-brainer when there is harmony and common interest. The experience of children walking to school as a group and playing in the streets, gifts of food during feast and fast, shared household equipment, and chats with neighbours across the fence. Neighbourhoods of peace and harmony.

Over time the house, a home, has been considered a place of sanctuary for those who occupy the space. Thus, the expression; “My house is my castle”, implies that no man (or woman) ought to have this space invaded.

Then, there are those who believe that “Good walls make good neighbours.” Physical walls that stop movement; keep in or keep out. Barriers are constructed to keep some things inside and to keep some things out. Things, but also people; strangers, associates, neighbours and sometimes even family can be included or excluded.

While neighbours might at times be irritating, they are also a source of help in times of need. Similarly, while neighbours could be perceived as the nicest people, the fear of violence and abuse might be very close to the surface. If, more likely when problems occur, we keep silent, and say nothing because we worry about how we might be perceived if we speak out. We don’t want to be seen as un-neighbourly,  overly dramatic, harsh and mean.

As with neighbours, there are also intangible walls that are built within families. Intrusion and danger might come from within, and so we build barriers. Once built, they remain, sometimes for generations, long after they might have served any purpose. In some cases, we might even have forgotten why they were established.

Proverbs warns us not to discard the boundaries that have been set by prior generations. Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set (Proverbs 22:28). How often might we have uttered the words; “because we’ve always done things like that!” Many traditions, including cultural and religious practices, continue long after they have ceased to serve any purpose. We continue with meaningless practices that have become the maintenance of meaningless walls. We maintain barriers because we do not want to hurt the people that we love.

Although the family is the smallest unit that interacts with broader society. And despite the fact that most societies have a positive narrative of the family, the world is not always kind or friendly. Families still have to navigate a number of hazards and troubles. Positive boundaries protect families from the dangers outside and the dangers within. Besides physical, there might also be moral, emotional and even financial boundaries to consider.

Physical boundaries might include giving and accepting access to the physical body and personal space. There are rules linked to touching and affection between family members; as well as intimacy and sex that require distance. Financial support within families is normal practice. However, lending and giving must be associated with rules to avoid manipulation and abuse, or additional financial hardship.

Norms and values underpin the manner in which we speak and behave towards those within the family space. When members cross the moral code of the family, the unit needs to address the discrepancy and consequent actions. Emotional boundaries are put in place because thoughts and feelings, as well as actions, might differ. Being separate from a group and still being part of the group requires emotional maturity to separate personal feelings from the feelings of other people.

A home should be a holy sanctuary. However, it is vital to implement rules and boundaries that keep a family sustained and safe. Setting boundaries is difficult; these, however, help to develop positive behaviour within the family. Parents and other adult members hold the obligation and the power to set examples of behaviour. Children learn what they see, and this becomes part of their behaviour and the journey towards adulthood. No boundaries cause confusion. Allowing children to do what they want does not lead to self-moderation, positive behaviour and responsibility.

Positive boundaries require parents to correct their children and each other in ways that are neither harsh nor abusive. Even speaking without filters might cause harm; especially with words that might not be appropriate due to the age, position or type of the relationship.

On the other hand, a lack of communication could be a negative boundary that excludes members and leads to bonding with others who might cause further harm. All families go through troubled phases and positive boundaries help to overcome dark days. “Do not let your heart be troubled, or afraid” (John 14:27). Spiritual communities spread messages of hope. Hope that is needed in days of trouble. Hope becomes the anchor into the future.