Private and Public Families

by Imelda Diouf · June 19, 2024

Imelda Diouf is a South African educator. This is a continuation of the series to unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.

On 30 November 2022, while three-year-old Tadala Chirwa was asleep at her grandmother’s house, an unidentified man broke into the home and killed the little girl. Before he left he chopped off her left arm, taking it away. (Amnesty International report; 2 Dec 2022; website)

Why? Tadala was a person with albinism. She was different from most of the other children who played in her village. Her difference caused people to talk and gossip and create untrue stories. She, as well as others like her, are sometimes viewed with negativity and hate. Superstition and fear of difference can lead to myth-making and prejudicial behaviour.

Words have meaning. Words convey ideas and messages. Words can uplift and they can diminish. Words can be so powerful that they lead to the actions of entire groups of people.

People can feel inspired to be good and do good. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). The song “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” written in 1984 to raise money for Ethiopian famine victims inspired a global community to provide funds to feed starving people.

Similarly, words can cause people to be bad and do bad. Historical and current world events like the genocide of the Jewish people during WWII, the extermination of the Tutsis under the Huthus, or the situation playing out in Gaza that is leading to the loss of lives of an ever-increasing number of ordinary Palestinians.

We hear and speak the first words within a family group. This is the group of people who will through words and actions teach the value of tolerance and acceptance of those that are different. Differences can be physical, cultural, language, historical, sexual, financial, or educational; the list is endless.

The family is both private and public. What is said and done privately is linked to the public space; and vice versa. The two spaces cannot be separated.

Words in a private space should not be any different to those words that are uttered in the public space. Adults who use foul language in front of or towards children, should not be surprised when those children then utter offensive words at school, on the sports field or at church. If adults discuss neighbours or extended family members using negative words or derogatory terms, then the children who are listening and learning, will ultimately use the same intolerant and hateful language.

Sadly words are only the first step on the spectrum of hate actions. The pyramid of hate describes how at the one end of the spectrum there are biased attitudes and words, that can lead to discriminatory acts, these in turn can then lead to bias-motivated violence and even genocide. Step one is a negative attitude and words.

The Vatican recently apologised for the use of insensitive language by Pope Francis. In a private meeting and private space, he used a derogatory word during discussions relating to clergy and the context of gay priests. All-in-all, our knowledge of the Italian word frociaggine (faggotry) has entered the lexicon of many. There is no positive spin on the use of this term.

The LGBTQ+ community was outraged. The Vatican was possibly annoyed that the discussions of a private meeting had filtered into the public space. However, private and public spaces are linked; what is said in one place reverberates in the other.

If the church is to be a place of unity, then it is incumbent on church leaders not to speak from two sides of the mouth. Church leaders must deal honestly with controversies and difficult topics, whether power relations, poverty and wealth, sexual orientation, race and ethnicity, abuse and hate, and intolerance. To use language that conveys different messages in private and public spaces is deceptive and untrustworthy.

Building each other and building a church starts with using the same words in both private and public spaces.