Family Relations: Contradictions

by Imelda Diouf · April 26, 2024

The Family Life series continues to unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary contexts.

There are always contradictions in relationships.

Contradictions occur when views and behaviours are opposite, within the same space. Imagine the scenario when people regarded as helpful, gentle and kind turn out to be otherwise.

Neighbours when interviewed about a murder next door were shocked. They said: “This cannot be true. He was such an attentive father. He was always with his wife and children. He can’t have done this!”

The response is probably an honest one. It is hard to understand the internal dynamics of a household on the other side of the fence. Even when red flags go up; when behaviours are outside of the norm and confusing, we might very well brush aside our concerns. After all, he is a very good neighbour. He is helpful and kind. These are the contradictions.

Contradictions are not always problematic; they can be positive. At work, home or in the community, contradictions can lead to innovative ideas and new perspectives. A church community might come up with a way of making a church service more appealing to young people or visitors. A family might find spending time together in ways that embrace healthy food choices and lifestyle. An appreciation of differences can lead to unity of purpose.

Positive contradictions are easily embraced. Negative contradictions can be dangerous. Families need to deal with both. The bonds of family whether by birth, adoption or marriage are interwoven and complex. Across cultures, languages, religions and geographic spaces, family members are drawn to each other. We want to be together, yet we dislike each other. A contradiction.

Members of families can perpetrate the most despicable acts against each other. Besides physical abuse, there can be acts of emotional, financial and sexual abuse. These acts of violence leave us reeling; often shocked and confused because we think that we know others … and ourselves.

A female doctor who loyally served her community for many years, depressingly stated; “I hate holidays! It’s a time when the most domestic violence takes place in homes!” Shared spaces can be good or bad.

More often the perpetrators of domestic violence are males, however, women are also perpetrators of violence against children, the elderly and their intimate partners. This tends to be even more shocking because we define women in terms of their role as nurturers and carers. Violent and abusive women run contrary to social norms and religious practice where women are often portrayed as nurturing, pure and conciliatory.

Even during the most religious of holidays on the Christian calendar, Easter and Christmas, Lent and Advent, families are not immune from the contradictions of like and dislike, of love and hate. Faith and belief can crumble under the weight of negative experience.

One is reminded of John 15:19, If you were of the world, it would love you as its own. Instead, the world hates you, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. What in the world is happening? What kind of world do we have?

Families are bonded by relationships; there is nearly always customary or common law duty to support kin. These relationships can be contested terrain of love and hate. Discipline and cruelty. Being attentive and being absent. Freedom and responsibility. There are emotions and thoughts and pursuant actions that are sometimes separated by a very thin line.

When two worlds collide, you can’t remain unchanged – this quotation (source unknown) captures so well the experience of family life. Prayer is a tool, providing assistance as we journey to greater self-awareness and knowledge; bringing theory and practice closer, tolerating difference and embracing the contradictions.

There are always contradictions in relationships.