Couples, be friends
I did not choose to focus on marriage during Lent because of seeing marriage as a penance, although it can well be.
I also did not choose to have a marriage focus and celebrate only with good couples and happy marriages. As World Marriage Day, a Marriage Encounter initiated celebration, fell on the 1st Sunday of Lent those who prepared the liturgy suggestions looked at the penitential aspect, the need for reconciliation in marriage and around marriage.
Our SA family life theme for 2008 is Me and My Family and the February theme Me and Marriage. The idea is to focus on ourselves as individuals in the context of our families.
Some of us are married, some widowed, some divorced or separated. Some are married parents, some not. But I do believe that, apart from some of the youth who are not particularly inspired by the prospect of marriage, most people still value the idea, and even the ideal, of marriage.
It seems that on the whole, women are the ones who would like to be married and men are the ones who shy away from making a commitment, and the equality of men and women in marriag that the Church upholds is still contested by some people, mostly men. Is enough being done to promote marriage and to promote its positive qualities, the precious gift it can be and should be to spouses, their children and the Church community?
If our marriages are not all we would like them to be, who is at fault? Were and are our expectations unrealistic? Domestic violence is much more common than we might think, and it is not always a man striking out in anger without cause. Wives contribute to the situation, too. Relationship skills to make manage work are required by both.
In most dioceses, marriage preparation is not always strictly adhered to. Research has shown that even good marriage preparation has a limited shelf-life; there are many developmental changes in the first five years. Couples need to keep talking; possibly have a bosberaad, as one husband suggested to me recently. Marriage enrichment programmes should be valued, but are ridiculously poorly used.
I am a mother-in-law, and I recognise issues around the relationship with my daughter-in-law and son-in-law. I am told that in some cultures there can be major problems in those relationships, and with the expectations parents have of their married children.
So, all in all, for couples, for older parents, for those still preparing for marriage and for the pastoral carers, clergy or church workers, let there be an examination of conscience this Lent. And let it be followed by a confession of our own faults, asking forgiveness of one another as well as of God, and a real, firm purpose of amendment.
In his encyclical Deus Caritas Est, Pope Benedict wrote: Marriage is a mirror of God’s love. Is it so for you? Have you helped to make it so for others, through prayer and active support? Is it something to celebrate in the love of God?
I hope it will be.
- How We Can Have Better Relationships - August 26, 2024
- Are We Really Family-Friendly? - September 22, 2020
- Let the Holy Spirit Teach Us - June 2, 2020