Navigating the church pew

There is nothing that appeals more to my innate sense of laziness than receiving e-mails from fellow Catholics who are able to put profound pen to paper and produce the perfect subject for this column.

So, today I will sit back, put my feet up and present to you Mr Gary Black from Fish Hoek in the Cape who writes:

In spite of the many scientific advances in the design of comfortable, physiologically correct seating, the basic style of a church pew has not changed in hundreds of years and remains a relic of the past.

In my own humble experience of attending Mass for more than 50 years, the lack of evolution of the basic church pew to something even remotely comfortable, means that the time I spend on pews remains an act of self inflicted torture which constantly detracts my attention from the true purpose of visiting the church for prayer, contemplation, attention to the lessons and sermons, and devotion to the sacraments.

At the outset, let me explain that I have been blessed with a rather large body (1,9m and 120kg) with a number of bumps and lumps in all the wrong places. This all requires size 12 feet at the end of a pair of long legs to keep me from toppling over and landing flat on my face.

I realised from a young age that many things such as fashionable clothing, sports cars, flying economy class and comfortable seating in general were not necessarily for me. So having lived with this reality my whole life, this is certainly not just a personal gripe. But let me take you through my experience of the average church pew, then think about it, compare it to your own and then try to persuade me that the average congregant is comfortable, happy and relaxed enough to give his full attention to the purpose at hand without distraction from the hard, antiquated, bare, wooden seating provided.

In many churches pews are dead-end streets and can only be accessed and exited from the central aisle. Most people choose the aisle seating first (perhaps for a quick getaway). If you do not arrive early, you inevitably have to negotiate your way past someone to secure a seat further down the pew.

No true “aisle sitter” would ever dream of simply moving along to the furthest end and so making space for you. Neither will they stand out of the pew making the entrance more accessible. For some obscure reason they seem to prefer to merely turn slightly sideways providing you with a narrow passage to squeeze through and, behind a polite smile, are probably secretly cursing you for inconveniencing them. The only way through is to “walk the plank”,  balancing precariously on the kneeler while edging your way past, hopefully not stomping on anyone’s toes, knocking their missal flying or getting entangled in the odd rosary.

Once you have found your spot, it is customary to kneel and pray silently in preparation of the ceremony to come. This is fine if the person directly in front of you is doing the same, but if not, you have to kneel straight up without the advantage of leaning on the backrest of the next bench in front of you for support.

With good balance and strong knees you can maintain this position for a while before sitting back on the hard wooden surface of the pew. Even then, you need to proceed with caution because the chap behind you may be kneeling, leaning forward on the backrest of your pew and you are likely smack him on the nose. Alternatively you may be jabbed in the back by his double-fisted hands crossed in the customary manner for solemn prayer.

Once I have sorted out my differences with my neighbours, both fore and aft, I can attempt to get myself into a reasonably comfortable sitting position. I can’t complain too much about the width of the average pew seat, but with little or no shape or slope you end up sitting bolt upright with the edge of the seat pressing into the back of your thighs cutting off all circulation to your lower limbs.

All our family members tend to be blessed with well developed muscles scientifically known as the gluteus maximus. I am no exception to this family trait but still find that, despite this built-in protection, I do not have sufficient cushioning to endure the hardness of the seating surface of the average church pew for any significant length of time.

My sympathy goes out to fellow parishioners less well endowed in this area or who, heaven forbid should be suffering from haemorrhoids.

Thank you, Gary, for bringing up a subject that has always tended to sit awkwardly with most churchgoers.