The Book of Forgiving

THE BOOK OF FORGIVING: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, by Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu. Jonathan Ball (2014). 240pp.

Reviewed by Jan Kilby

Forgiveness is essential for maintaining peaceful relationships and harmony in society.

This is the message of The Book of Forgiving, written by retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu of Cape Town and the Rev Mpho Tutu, his daughter and an Anglican minister.

The Tutus write from their experience with forgiveness after living through apartheid. They first help readers understand the nature of forgiveness and why it is important. They then describe their theory of four steps in forgiving.

These include telling the story of harm, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing a relationship.

In their final chapters, the Tutus focus on needing forgiveness, forgiving oneself and creating a world of forgiveness. They illustrate their points through dramatic stories from their lives and those of others.

The writers convey some important truths about forgiveness. One is that, as they write, “we can’t create a world without pain or loss or conflict or hurt feelings, but we can create a world of forgiveness”. They are optimistic about this occurring because, as they say, “we are hard-wired to forgive and connect”.

Another truth is that both those seeking forgiveness and offering it can benefit. “It is how we become whole again,” they state. To illustrate this, they cite ubuntu: “A person is only a person through other people,” they write, and “any tear in the fabric of connection between us must be repaired for us all to be made whole.”

They show, in addition, how those harmed can use suffering creatively. They can become more empathetic with others who suffer, as well as work to prevent future tragedies, they state.

The authors emphasise the value of practising forgiveness so that it becomes a “quality of character”.

“When I cultivate forgiveness in my small everyday encounters, I am preparing for a time when a much larger act of forgiveness will be asked of me, as it most certainly will,” they write.

They discuss, too, why those forgiving others can be justified in releasing relationships. The need for self-forgiveness is addressed, as well. “It is how we make meaning out of our suffering, restore our self-esteem and tell a new story of who we are,” they write.

The Book of Forgiving is a remarkable psychology and spirituality of forgiveness. The book reflects the authors’ humanity and high quality of thinking and writing and offers an inspiring, hopeful message.