Family Values: Lost and Found

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Imelda Diouf is a South African educator and Katarzyna Lewucha is a Polish social worker. This is the tenth in a twelve-part series in which they will unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.

Zuleika is a shop assistant. For five and a half days every week, she goes to work at an upmarket mall, to a store that sells luxury brands. She works over weekends, and because the mall is open till late in the evening, she works long hours. She bemoans the fact that she does not have enough time for her husband, a law enforcement officer, and her son.

Yet at the start of every academic year, she takes out a loan and pays school fees to the private school where her son is a student. And then she spends the year paying off the loan, from the meagre salary that she earns. She could send him to the government school that provides a good education at a tenth of the cost, but she wants to give him the best. “We value education above everything else,” she says, “we want to give him what we did not have. I will work hard to give him the best education possible”.

“We value education”. Like many parents she places her child’s interests above her own. She is selfless in this goal. She epitomises the verse; “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2: 3,4)

In Familiaris Consortio, Pope Saint John Paul II highlights the importance of family love. The family’s essence and role are specified by love. The family is the first social community where children learn how to communicate love and affirm the equality and dignity of each person (Familiaris Consortio, #17). This is underlined by family relationships as an expression of complete self-giving and selflessness, where there is no place for using one another as an object or thing.

Individuals and families place value on different things. Some might value education, friends, sharing, eating and praying together. Others might value silence, financial security, respect and the beauty of nature. Still others might value dancing with abandon, a car, the elderly, birth and even a peaceful death. Some families value and prioritise arrangements and contracts to raise their prosperity or continue family traditions. Feelings and sentimentalism are not the primary focus; however, they admire and proudly undertake all duties implemented within their family role. Family values often relate to traditional images that cultures develop and pursue over generations. These images represent backgrounds and identities; some which are admitted with pride by some, whereas the same values might become cultural burdens for other families. Legends are stored in family archives, but are also rituals embedded in everyday life.

How are the values that we deem important understood, developed and measured?

Modern families’ lives are changing; what was highly valuable in the past might no longer be valuable. Socio-political and economic changes impact family values, as well as revolutions, reforms and migration patterns.

The family life cycle is both intragenerational and intergenerational. Intra- the relationships that exist between members of the same generation; here we learn the skills of teamwork, cooperation, understanding, patience and social skills. While siblings and cousins are generally part of the same age and generation group, children, parents and grandparents are generally intergenerational. As part of different generational groups, we learn family history, technical skills, values and morals, knowledge, history and experience.

It is in this space that the moral and ethical principles of the family are traditionally upheld and passed on within a family. Examples of morals and principles that are passed from generation to generation could include respect, caring, honesty, truth and faith. They are passed on through simple acts of celebrations, gatherings, spending time together, staying in touch – especially in this modern age when geographical separations keep one apart.

Family life is never all beautiful and rosy; intra- and intergenerational frictions and tensions lie alongside tolerance and care. There is no single playbook of values within a family. Religious texts and church communities convey narratives of good and bad. Families build memories of good and bad. Parables give meaning; for example, “Once I was lost, but now I am found,” (Luke 15:10) and “Celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead, was lost and has been found” (Luke 15:32).

Values within a family are not single events or experiences. The added-value journey starts at birth and continues till death in the space that is both intra- and intergenerational. We can measure values, lost and found, through the well-being of a family, where each member is valued and valuable. Fidelity, unity, rootedness, traditions, continuity, and stability, despite being considered antiquated, endow strengths within family relationships. Simultaneously, families should sustain core and fundamental values, yet should undergo periodic updates to ensure that all members remain respected, loved, accepted and safe.