Family Relations: Counselling the Counsellors

by Imelda Diouf · Published February 29, 2024 · Updated February 29, 2024

Imelda Diouf is a South African educator, who writes on the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary contexts.

In any family, counsel, solicited or unsolicited, is mostly freely given. Aunts, parents and siblings, often grandparents are willing – and even expected – to express opinions. Kin generally feel that they have the right to weigh in on topics from diet to discipline, from manners to morals. And these are the least controversial topics! This is the thing about family – we tend not to hold back. And when relations are strong, we are comfortable and feel we have free reign to pontificate on all matters.

From the previous article, Family Relations: Managing Risk, we delved into the area of counsel. Proverbs 15:22 tells us that without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers, they succeed. But does this hold true in all family settings? The use of many advisors might be confusing and intimidating. Anyone who lives in a large, extended, multi-generational family probably will have had the experience of being overwhelmed by advice.

Historical evidence credits King Solomon, an ageing leader and his peers, with writing the Book of Proverbs. In an age when reading and writing and mass media were out of the reach of most people, the Book of Proverbs provided counsel. A case in point is the circumstance of two women who both claimed to be the mother of a child (1 Kings 3:16-28). They both considered they had the right to care for the child, to take the child. This led to Solomon’s suggestion that the baby be cut in two, with each woman receiving half. In a time before DNA analysis, this was indeed wisdom. [Ultimately, the reaction of one of the women to this suggestion decided the case].

Counsel, however, should always be context-specific. Nowadays, the very notion that good counsel might be slicing a human into two parts, is beyond rational thinking. Good counsel over generations and over time needs to take into account changed conditions. These changes could include laws, value systems, technologies and family circumstances. And besides who counsels the counsellors? Historically, counsel would probably have been dispensed by elders, like Solomon and his peers. Yet, the very notion that good counsel comes only from society leaders (mainly men) and those that are qualified, would be to discount that wisdom has many entry points.

There are different types of counsellors and different approaches to counselling. Cognitive-behavioural, problem-focused, client-centred, psycho-social, humanistic, and so on, are only a few terms that get thrown about in contemporary society. For academics and professionals alike, the issues of good counsel and therapies are endlessly debated through studies, journals and at conferences.

The ability to advise comes from book knowledge, formal learning and qualifications. It could also come from personal encounters and lived experiences. Furthermore, advice comes from a place of love and concern. The ability to counsel requires patience, listening and personal reflection. Those that are closest, kin, occupy a space where counsel is freely given, solicited or not!

Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuit order, had good advice for educators: “Give me a child until he is seven, and I will give you the man.” And while this thought might be commendable, barring the fact that the focus was boys and men, the context is clear. Young minds can be nurtured. Young minds are like sponges that absorb all manner of ideas.

There is however, much counsel that takes place before the age of seven. Placing children on the correct path to adulthood starts long before the age of seven. Parents and those that occupy the central family space, are the first educators of children. The first counsellors of children.

Assuming the role of counsellor requires one to encourage children to ask questions. Help them to test ideas so that they will grow up challenging and testing their ideas and associated behaviours. But, any parent knows that this is a hard space; especially when children start challenging their parents and elders. Parents being advised by children is for many uncharted terrain. Bear in mind that each generation is faced with new ideas and behaviours. New ideas that must be recognised and analysed for both valuable and destructive qualities. Within a safe zone, families need to create the space to learn and test new ideas.

Proverbs 27:23-24 provides guidance on this matter: Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.

Within family relations, we need to counsel and be counselled. Good counsel ultimately puts entire generations on a path of success and security.