Family Secrets

by Imelda Diouf · Published September 27, 2023 · Updated September 27, 2023

Imelda Diouf is a South African educator. This is the ninth in a twelve-part series that unpacks the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives.

Every family has stories — good and bad, often funny, sometimes embarrassing, and almost always to remind ourselves of our existence as kin. We narrate our stories mainly at gatherings as a means of remembering significant events. Children often learn about their family history from stories of life’s more difficult moments.

These are the moments of understanding of who we are and where we come from. The stories delve into the family’s roots and branches. Culture and tradition, language, belief and religion become the vehicles through which we narrate our history.

A family history creates a sense of belonging, continuity and resilience. We build a framework to contextualise our pain and joy. As we get older, we also learn from each other that the members might remember our collective stories differently.

Family stories give rise to a variety of emotions: happiness, pain, sadness, joy, pride, embarrassment. The joy of one person might be painful to another. A deeply embarrassing memory might be amusing to others.

Sometimes experiences remain unspoken. In some families experiences always remain hidden; the secrets. We do not talk outside of home. In extreme cases, we do not speak out, even when criminal actions are carried out in the home and kin are both the victims and perpetrators. We do not air our dirty laundry in public!

Biblical text can be used to support silence of the dangers that lurk within. “We are to protect the secrets of others and not disclose them, for doing so will bring us both shame and ill repute” (Proverbs 25:9-10).

Consider the confusion and pain of a child who is taught to honour a mother and a father, who themselves are the abusers.

What is private to a family? What is public information? On the one hand, privacy offers safety for members, especially from the intrusiveness and danger of the external environment (including social media). On the other hand, the internal environment of the family could be a place of danger.

The voices of those abused within the family can so easily be silenced. Cultural and religious practices can be used to stop the voices. The uncovering of secrets can bring shame and disgrace; the mother who is an alcoholic, the parents who are sexual predators, and siblings who bring conflict and danger into the home. Homes can hide criminal behaviour.

Communities, including churches, that have knowledge and do not speak out against family crime, by association themselves become the perpetrators of abuse.

Family stories go beyond the lived experience of each individual member. Family storytelling gives us access to the family experience as a whole; the good, the bad, the funny, the sad. Yes, even the crime that is enacted in a family. Stories help to build a shared theory to explain the meaning of life events to the family as a whole.

Stories that are open and honest, that are recounted over and over, bring perspectives of each person and can change the way family members relate to one another. Painful moments and traumatic events can be the platform where each member is able to witness the resilience and strength of the others.

Strong families are able to withstand trauma and still maintain a sense of self and of family. They are witnesses of their own resilience. The family that tells stories in very clear language will benefit in moving toward a hopeful future.

Family storytelling can become the language of family hope.

The family has a right and responsibility to raise children according to a set of values, cultural beliefs and religious practice. Likewise, the community, including the church community, has a responsibility and right to step inside the family and ensure the safety and wellbeing of the children, the elderly, those with disability, and others who are vulnerable.

Families need to navigate the private and the public spaces. Always remembering that doing right is not only under the watchful eyes of the public, but also in the privacy of the home.

“You want truth in the most hidden places; you teach me wisdom in the most secret space.” (Psalm 51:6).