Unforgiveness

Imelda Diouf is a South African educator and Katarzyna Lewucha is a Polish pedagogue. This is the sixth in a twelve-part series in which they will unpack the theme of family relations, using multicultural and multidisciplinary perspectives. 

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6.27-29).

Perhaps the most painful event that could happen to a family is losing their family member because of a careless or an evil act at someone else’s hands. Recently we read about the parents of a young man who had been killed by a stranger in an evil, brutal act, and how these parents say to others that they do not hold hatred towards the one who killed their son, One may think: “How is that possible?”

These parents know that an evil act can prompt an evil act, and another evil act, and another. They know that only by holding their hearts heavy with sorrow but not with hate can the cycle of hate be broken. Unspeakable pain, agony, and an unreplaceable gap, but still: an act of refusing to hate. An act of forgiving.

There are so many entry points to the topic of forgiveness. Forgive others. Forgive self. Learn to forgive and forget or forgive but never forget. Forgive perpetrators – those who are strangers and those whom we know.

Biblical text abounds with teachings on forgiveness. God tells us to forgive instead of seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (Leviticus 19:18). Forgiveness restores broken relationships (Genesis 50:17). If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you (Matthew 6:14). Forgiveness is a path to love (Luke 7:47). Forgiveness precedes healing (Luke 5:17-26).

Family life is a bed of roses and thorns. We are connected by relationships that are sometimes hard, challenging and difficult. While it is generally easy to build relations with those who provide opportunity, support and love, those who drain our financial, emotional and intellectual resources are hard to forgive.

Families can hurt each other over the inheritance of finances, land and property. Abuse can arise from envy, insecurity, power and control. Punishment can be meted out by withdrawing love and throwing out, rejecting the other. Unfortunately, living and interacting with our loved ones does not remove the risk of being hurt, becoming abused, or indeed becoming the abuser.

But we always have a choice about how we respond to those who leave us with wounds and pain. Forgiving helps to release spiritual debts. Forgiveness heals wounds and helps us to move forward. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, can keep family members apart for years, sometimes for life, some may never talk again. They may meet at a funeral.

Unforgiving our abusers, who might be family members – father, mother, grandparents, siblings, husband, or wife – leads to persistent anger and bitterness. We hold on to the past. Every single recall of unforgiven pain fills our hearts with even bigger pain. We hold on to anger until revenge is done. The other must hurt as I hurt. I can be satisfied only when the other is hurt. Unforgiveness is a bondage that causes persistent and recurrent torments.

Forgiving our family members and others is sometimes stopped by the fear of further abuse. But forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different concepts.

Forgiving someone does not mean staying in an abusive relationship. It does not mean giving up the right to be offended. It does not mean that justice cannot be done. Forgiveness does not exclude the right to protect ourselves. We have rights to reject physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Faith communities must create the opportunity for families to talk openly about pain and unforgiving, about anger and healing and about not minimising pain. Faith communities need to help abusers recognise and take responsibility for abusive behaviours and become healthy family members. The recognition of harm, negative behaviours, taking responsibility, being truly sorry and repentance is crucial to rebuilding broken families.

Repentance – in Greek metanoia, a change of mindset – is key to conversion. Repentance helps us to grow and develop mentally, emotionally and spiritually, as well as behaviourally. Change of mind leads to change of thinking, a change of attitude, a change of feelings, a change of values and a change of the way of living (William James). The metanoia refers not only to abusers, but also to victims.

We might never hear the word “sorry” for whatever bad was done to us, but we can still forgive. Easier said than done. It can take a very long time to become ready to forgive, but we can forgive. The act of willingness that allows us to forgive all the painful harms and wounds does help to move forward.

Forgiveness does not have a stopwatch. Unforgiveness is an eternal pain.